I have been missing my job today and need to talk about some things concerning it. I am finished grieving over the loss of it, its just that every now and then I still miss it and feel bad over the foolish shenanigans that caused me to feel the need to walk away from it.
After it started being dark out when I walk over to meet Chuck, the first few times were hard on me because I was over there working when it was dark out more then any other time of day. I look up at the windows and see the area that I spent the most time in working and it is hard. I had some good prayer times up there while cleaning the conference rooms. It was so peaceful.
I was so grateful for getting that job. It was created just for me and I worked the hardest I possibly could at it to let them know how grateful I was for it. I almost always went the extra mile and did things I wasn't asked to do as well because I wanted to say thanks.
Frostbike is coming up next weekend and it was 2 years ago that things really started going bad for me when I was working that particular Frostbike. First of all let me say that I hated it. I do not like those kind of situations. They make me crazy. The whole thing was like a situation from hell. Someone I cared about very much used the situation for their advantage to hurt me very much and things started going down hill for me from then on. I have mentioned this person in an earlier entry. Who they portrayed themselves to be and who they actually were turned out to be completely different. After he got a different job in the office area I wanted to keep saying hi to him and didn't know exactly how to go about it. Then one night I was walking through the marketing area and saw a jar filled with hershey kisses. I thought this is great, it isn't impersonal and takes things up just a notch from the bubble gum that was sitting there as well. I wanted him to know he was special. I got a thank you from him written on paper (which I still have, I carry it around with me because it was/is special). I wrote him a note explaining why I had done what I had done and one more later on to apologize for him getting caught up in the cross hairs of snitty mood I had been in with some more candy. (Halloween this time). I also at one time told him I had a talent for drawing and drew him a Christmas card to show him and let him get to know me a lttle bit. All these things my husband knew about and as a matter of fact I wouldn't have done any of them if my husband had disapproved in any way. (My husband and I are very close and we share everything with each other). I knew G-d was using this guy in my life for His own intents and purposes and so did my husband. This is how G-d works with me sometimes to heal me from things of my past.
Anyway I never got a thank you or any kind of recognition that he had even looked at the card so I figured he wasn't interested in being friends so I gave up. Then 2 months later at Frostbike I was in a small kitchen like area washing some glasses I was told to go around and collect and I heard music and laughing coming from his cubicle which was across from the kitchen. At first I thought hmmm someone is farting around at Ms cubicle and didn't pay any further attention because there was a lot of crazy things going on that night.
When I came back to do the second load I heard it again and took a peak around the corner and there he was with a girl he had smuggled in and it was he that was doing the farting around. And I knew then that the whole situation had been staged for my benefit. This cut me to the quick. If he had taken a knife and stabbed me in the heart it couldn't have hurt any worse. I eventually ran out of there and ran to a back restroom crying. I had to hold onto the counter where the sinks were because I felt like I was going to throw up. It was then I realized that this guy was nothing but a game player and I was so grieved and cried for the rest of the night before going home.
As I was leaving and heading to put my radio away I ran into my boss who noticed I was crying. I didn't want to tell her why but she coaxed it out of me and I told her everything about the candy and the notes and saying hi. She was very kind to me. She told me he was going to move in with this woman which grieved me all the more. I got into our van that night and told my husband everything and he said, you know this relationship won't last and I said I know but was so grieved over this whole elaborate scheme that was cooked up and hatched all for my benefit. What a sick twisted thing to do I thought and began to realize all the issues this man really had and how immature he was.
The next day being Sunday I had to work once again and it was clean up day. My boss had me working with her and he was around everywhere. I couldn't even bring myself to look him in the face I was so hurt and angry and disappointed. At lunch I happened to sit at the table opposite him and wasn't planning on saying much of anything really. But then I just opened my mouth and the next thing you know I was telling the person I was sitting with all about my date rape and everything connected with it. The L-rd showed me that this was for his benefit because he needed to hear it. I got Monday off and came back on Tuesday and there he was trying to be nice to me but I would have none of it. I needed my space and to be able to breath. This apparantly upset him because a couple of months later I heard from my boss (someone had confided in her) that he was thinking about filing sexual harrassment charges against me. Needless to say I had a complete melt down I was so hurt and so upset. I was going to walk out that night and not come back but my boss talked me into staying and coming back the next day.
On the way out that night I walked by his cubicle and took this little doll he had sitting on his shelf and threw it before leaving. If he had been there I would punched him in the face I was so angry.
That was a Tuesday. The next night my husband had a dream that my boss was going to betray me. He described in detail the whole dream, the conference room, who was there and where they were seated. He said M was there and was denying everything telling me that I was crazy. He said I was crying and I quit working there. He said when he woke up from the dream he was so upset over it he asked the L-rd if this was something that might happen or was going to happen. He said the L-rd told him "Tell Tammy that even Judas was one of my disciples and he betrayed me". I brushed it off, but there were things about the situation that were unfolding that didn't make any sense and still don't to this day. The guy that told my boss that M was going to file the charges against me denied he ever talked to M and said he hardly knew him and that he never told my boss. My boss insisted he did but wouldn't confront him because she said he didn't want to be involved in it, someone else who my boss said was involved in the conversation said they never were and so on and so forth.
I told my boss I threw Ms doll so that she knew first hand and that Friday she said I needed to punch in and come with her to hr. And Chucks dream unfolded just as he had described it to me the only difference being that M wasn't there my bosses boss was instead. Everyone else was in that conference room sitting exactly where Chuck said they were sitting in his dream. And I wasn't crying I was furious and had to sign a piece of paper saying I wouldn't get near M or his cubicle or anything near or around his cubicle.
After I signed it I walked out and talked to Chuck and quit. No one ever told M that I know of and the other parties involved T and S never said a word. And I sat home and grieved and grieved.
One day in fall I was out walking and I heard the L-rd speak to me and say "Let the healing begin". I was going to give my soup to S but knew I needed to give it to M instead. Chuck brought it over and I said be sure to tell him I am sorry I threw his doll thinking that he knew by that time that I had. He never went near it and Chuck took it back home and he and I ate it.
I didn't want to go to the Christmas party that year but Chuck came home on the last day of sign up and said he signed us up because he felt a nudge from the L-rd to do so. On the day of the party I was sick and was afraid I wasn't going to make it, but I rallied myself out of my sick bed and went because I wanted to obey the L-rd.
When we got there and of course there was no place else to sit except right by M's table (like that was our fault?) And he proceeded to bad mouth me all night long to every one who sat at his table who would listen to whatever it was he was saying about me.
I went home that night and grieved and gieved and grieved and grieved for months. I never realized how immature, spiteful and petty M could be until that night. It was a real eye opener for me and it is the only reason I can imagine that the L-rd wanted me to go to that Christmas Party so that he could show me.
Since then I have thought a few choice things about M. Someone must have told him I was growing the color out of my hair because I saw him drive by in a jeep one night as Chuck and I were walking around the block last summer. The look on his face was absolute horror. I think the person he thought I was and who I really am are 2 completely different people. I know that someone who works at Q lives in another one of the buildings here or at least they did, I figure they are the ones who told M about my gray hair.
To sum this all up the best I can. I forgive M. I feel sorry for him. When Chuck came home one day in summer and told me the woman he had been living with had moved out it didn't surprise me at all or Chuck because we knew it was coming. We didn't know exactly how only that it would. My boss told me the reason why but it is irrlevant what the reason was. My prayer for M is that G-d will be able to show him what issues he has and that he will start to deal with them. I have found in my own personal life that yes dealing with issues is hard, but it makes you become a better you and don't we all want that for ourselves?
Oh and I still miss my job and had to give it up for such a bunch of foolishness.
After it started being dark out when I walk over to meet Chuck, the first few times were hard on me because I was over there working when it was dark out more then any other time of day. I look up at the windows and see the area that I spent the most time in working and it is hard. I had some good prayer times up there while cleaning the conference rooms. It was so peaceful.
I was so grateful for getting that job. It was created just for me and I worked the hardest I possibly could at it to let them know how grateful I was for it. I almost always went the extra mile and did things I wasn't asked to do as well because I wanted to say thanks.
Frostbike is coming up next weekend and it was 2 years ago that things really started going bad for me when I was working that particular Frostbike. First of all let me say that I hated it. I do not like those kind of situations. They make me crazy. The whole thing was like a situation from hell. Someone I cared about very much used the situation for their advantage to hurt me very much and things started going down hill for me from then on. I have mentioned this person in an earlier entry. Who they portrayed themselves to be and who they actually were turned out to be completely different. After he got a different job in the office area I wanted to keep saying hi to him and didn't know exactly how to go about it. Then one night I was walking through the marketing area and saw a jar filled with hershey kisses. I thought this is great, it isn't impersonal and takes things up just a notch from the bubble gum that was sitting there as well. I wanted him to know he was special. I got a thank you from him written on paper (which I still have, I carry it around with me because it was/is special). I wrote him a note explaining why I had done what I had done and one more later on to apologize for him getting caught up in the cross hairs of snitty mood I had been in with some more candy. (Halloween this time). I also at one time told him I had a talent for drawing and drew him a Christmas card to show him and let him get to know me a lttle bit. All these things my husband knew about and as a matter of fact I wouldn't have done any of them if my husband had disapproved in any way. (My husband and I are very close and we share everything with each other). I knew G-d was using this guy in my life for His own intents and purposes and so did my husband. This is how G-d works with me sometimes to heal me from things of my past.
Anyway I never got a thank you or any kind of recognition that he had even looked at the card so I figured he wasn't interested in being friends so I gave up. Then 2 months later at Frostbike I was in a small kitchen like area washing some glasses I was told to go around and collect and I heard music and laughing coming from his cubicle which was across from the kitchen. At first I thought hmmm someone is farting around at Ms cubicle and didn't pay any further attention because there was a lot of crazy things going on that night.
When I came back to do the second load I heard it again and took a peak around the corner and there he was with a girl he had smuggled in and it was he that was doing the farting around. And I knew then that the whole situation had been staged for my benefit. This cut me to the quick. If he had taken a knife and stabbed me in the heart it couldn't have hurt any worse. I eventually ran out of there and ran to a back restroom crying. I had to hold onto the counter where the sinks were because I felt like I was going to throw up. It was then I realized that this guy was nothing but a game player and I was so grieved and cried for the rest of the night before going home.
As I was leaving and heading to put my radio away I ran into my boss who noticed I was crying. I didn't want to tell her why but she coaxed it out of me and I told her everything about the candy and the notes and saying hi. She was very kind to me. She told me he was going to move in with this woman which grieved me all the more. I got into our van that night and told my husband everything and he said, you know this relationship won't last and I said I know but was so grieved over this whole elaborate scheme that was cooked up and hatched all for my benefit. What a sick twisted thing to do I thought and began to realize all the issues this man really had and how immature he was.
The next day being Sunday I had to work once again and it was clean up day. My boss had me working with her and he was around everywhere. I couldn't even bring myself to look him in the face I was so hurt and angry and disappointed. At lunch I happened to sit at the table opposite him and wasn't planning on saying much of anything really. But then I just opened my mouth and the next thing you know I was telling the person I was sitting with all about my date rape and everything connected with it. The L-rd showed me that this was for his benefit because he needed to hear it. I got Monday off and came back on Tuesday and there he was trying to be nice to me but I would have none of it. I needed my space and to be able to breath. This apparantly upset him because a couple of months later I heard from my boss (someone had confided in her) that he was thinking about filing sexual harrassment charges against me. Needless to say I had a complete melt down I was so hurt and so upset. I was going to walk out that night and not come back but my boss talked me into staying and coming back the next day.
On the way out that night I walked by his cubicle and took this little doll he had sitting on his shelf and threw it before leaving. If he had been there I would punched him in the face I was so angry.
That was a Tuesday. The next night my husband had a dream that my boss was going to betray me. He described in detail the whole dream, the conference room, who was there and where they were seated. He said M was there and was denying everything telling me that I was crazy. He said I was crying and I quit working there. He said when he woke up from the dream he was so upset over it he asked the L-rd if this was something that might happen or was going to happen. He said the L-rd told him "Tell Tammy that even Judas was one of my disciples and he betrayed me". I brushed it off, but there were things about the situation that were unfolding that didn't make any sense and still don't to this day. The guy that told my boss that M was going to file the charges against me denied he ever talked to M and said he hardly knew him and that he never told my boss. My boss insisted he did but wouldn't confront him because she said he didn't want to be involved in it, someone else who my boss said was involved in the conversation said they never were and so on and so forth.
I told my boss I threw Ms doll so that she knew first hand and that Friday she said I needed to punch in and come with her to hr. And Chucks dream unfolded just as he had described it to me the only difference being that M wasn't there my bosses boss was instead. Everyone else was in that conference room sitting exactly where Chuck said they were sitting in his dream. And I wasn't crying I was furious and had to sign a piece of paper saying I wouldn't get near M or his cubicle or anything near or around his cubicle.
After I signed it I walked out and talked to Chuck and quit. No one ever told M that I know of and the other parties involved T and S never said a word. And I sat home and grieved and grieved.
One day in fall I was out walking and I heard the L-rd speak to me and say "Let the healing begin". I was going to give my soup to S but knew I needed to give it to M instead. Chuck brought it over and I said be sure to tell him I am sorry I threw his doll thinking that he knew by that time that I had. He never went near it and Chuck took it back home and he and I ate it.
I didn't want to go to the Christmas party that year but Chuck came home on the last day of sign up and said he signed us up because he felt a nudge from the L-rd to do so. On the day of the party I was sick and was afraid I wasn't going to make it, but I rallied myself out of my sick bed and went because I wanted to obey the L-rd.
When we got there and of course there was no place else to sit except right by M's table (like that was our fault?) And he proceeded to bad mouth me all night long to every one who sat at his table who would listen to whatever it was he was saying about me.
I went home that night and grieved and gieved and grieved and grieved for months. I never realized how immature, spiteful and petty M could be until that night. It was a real eye opener for me and it is the only reason I can imagine that the L-rd wanted me to go to that Christmas Party so that he could show me.
Since then I have thought a few choice things about M. Someone must have told him I was growing the color out of my hair because I saw him drive by in a jeep one night as Chuck and I were walking around the block last summer. The look on his face was absolute horror. I think the person he thought I was and who I really am are 2 completely different people. I know that someone who works at Q lives in another one of the buildings here or at least they did, I figure they are the ones who told M about my gray hair.
To sum this all up the best I can. I forgive M. I feel sorry for him. When Chuck came home one day in summer and told me the woman he had been living with had moved out it didn't surprise me at all or Chuck because we knew it was coming. We didn't know exactly how only that it would. My boss told me the reason why but it is irrlevant what the reason was. My prayer for M is that G-d will be able to show him what issues he has and that he will start to deal with them. I have found in my own personal life that yes dealing with issues is hard, but it makes you become a better you and don't we all want that for ourselves?
Oh and I still miss my job and had to give it up for such a bunch of foolishness.
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