Wow

          I cannot understand why I am constantly signed out of places. I had to make up a whole new password just to sign into my google account so I could get in here and write. I am doing a slow burn right now because this continuously happens to me. And I still haven't heard from Box of Feelings Just For You even though I resubscribed to them. Grrrrrrr.
          Yesterday I didn't feel good so I wasn't on the computer much. That is the way to tell if I am really sick or not. By how much I want to be on the computer. So I slept and then read the book about the little boy that went to heaven. It was so good, I read the book in one sitting. It is called, Heaven is Real. Really good reading. I thought about it every time I woke up last night.
          I said this was the week I would get back to walking in the halls but I have yet to get out there. Maybe tomorrow. Chuck came home from work after half of his shift and I had just woken up, and this day has been extremely laid back and lazy for most of it.
          Tomorrow they start putting a new roof on our building and they are going to be working from 7:00 a.m. till dark. I expect to be in for a lot of banging and stuff for the next couple of days before they finish our roof and move unto the next building.
          I also expect to walk over and meet Chuck at work tomorrow and to walk home with him.
          Not much else going on around here so I think I will finish up for tonight and come back in again tomorrow.  Later.

Me again

          Finally back on here again. Lets see. I have the kitchen cleaned up, the humidifier jugs are filled and it is running once again. We ate our left over pieces of pizza and had our little deserts. Groceries and everything else has been put away. I won my daily game of moo shu tiles, and I have the articles on AOL read that I wanted to read. It is going on 1:00 and my time is my own.
          Chuck is in the lazy boy snoozing and Maverick is out in the living room snoozing.
          I have decided that my little vacation from walking the halls is officially over. We walked 6 miles today and I should get one more in before going to bed. I'll see about that in a while.
          Some days people get on my nerves more then other days. Today was one of those days. We went to IKEA after eating lunch to buy some new curtains for our room. The old curtains in this room are getting thread bare they are so old. Normally I enjoy going to IKEA, it is such a cool place. But today it was so busy there that it started to get on my nerves. Because it started to get on my nerves it started to get on Chuck's nerves as well.  He sensed the stress I was feeling. I dislike shopping when there are 5 other people around crowding you out and not moving so you can look at things too. You wind up standing around waiting for them to move on. They take their time and fart around and act like you aren't standing there waiting for them to move and let you in. Very annoying.
          However I do like the curtains we picked out. They are kind of a light beige color with green leaves and cherries on them. I was drawn to them right away because I am drawn to bright colors and patterns. They will need to be shortened but that shouldn't be a problem to figure out and then we will take them to that stitch it place at the MOA and have them do it. I don't trust myself to do it well because they have a liner on the inside of them. I don't want to muck them up. Personally I think they are going to look great in here. I have plants on the hutch of the computer desk to begin with and they should look great with the two together.
          The MOA was as busy today as it gets at Xmas. We had a hard time finding a place to park. I tolerated the crowds there quite well being as I wasn't in any mood for them. We found a new comforter for less than $25.00 with tax. I picked up my new contact lenses and am set for another 3 yrs hopefully if my eye sight doesn't change to drastically.
          If you like to watch people, and I do, then the MOA is one of the best places to go. You can learn a lot about people by watching them.
          I don't have much more to say today as my brain feels like its been filled with giant balls of cotton, an effect I feel when I don't get as much sleep as I should. I don't think I am going to make it up till 4:00 tonight as I am just too tired.
          Anyway have a great rest of your night if there is anyone who reads this, and maybe I will add some more tomorrow.  Later

Hi

          Just a quick entry before bedtime. I tell you that box of feelings just for you puzzles me. First I get an invitation to join them and I think why not, then I start getting emails from them but cannot post on the things they send me so that it shows underneath in the post comment box, so I unsubscribe. And they unsubscribe me but most reluctantly. Then I find I am still connected to them anyway which doesn't bother me so I decide to subscribe again, and now Im not really getting anything from them. This site is so filled with mystery to me. While I was getting emails from them it was from somebody named mind fucked, but sometimes rock hunk and somebody named Paradeep. Now there is someone named devils love out there. Yuck, by the way on some of these peoples names. So what is up with these guys? Is this site run by a bunch of multiple personalities or something? Maybe mindfucked comes on every now and then but then their personality changes to rock hunk and then when rock hunk leaves paradeep steps in to take their place and lastly devils love pops in now and then to say hi and spew forth some poetry.
          Anyway I just read an article about youtube showing video's of teens cutting themselves and that this is an alarming new trend. I happen to agree with that as I am a former cutter myself. Why would anyone want to show videos of people doing self mutilation? To show how its done maybe? Hmmmm why would anyone want to show others how its done. It is sick and twisted.
          I used to have depression so deep and so intense when I was a teen that I wanted to feel something other then the pain of it, so I would cut myself because it felt better in a sick and twisted way to feel a different kind of pain for awhile.
          My girl friend Sandy would burn herself with matches.
          After I became a Christian and started reading my Bible I discovered that people who were demon possessed would do that to themselves. It made me shudder when I read that the first time and realized it had been what I was doing.
          Well thats it for now, heading off to bed for the night and tomorrow is Chuck and my date day. Its going to be chilly out so I know we will wind up walking at the MOA. The business and the buy, buy, buy will be up and running.
          Maybe I will right somemore tomorrow night. Later.

Finally

          Well I finally made it in here. One thing Box of feelings just for you has done for me and that is to spur me on to write in here more often. Its not like I have much else to do with my time anyway.
          I am curious to know how many people really know what love is. I Corinthians chapter 13 is called the love chapter. And it is what true love is. Love is a verb (action word) it is something you do not something you say necessarily. And it certainly isn't having funny feelings towards someone because it isn't a  feeling at all. Its a word that gets a lot of abuse. For instance when someone says oh I love pizza, or I love that shirt or those shoes. Just a little food for thought.
          I read an article today about how girls develop body images weather healthy or poor. Sorry but this goes back to Dad's again first and foremost.
          My Dad was constantly critizing the way I looked, the way I talked, the way I walked. All I wanted was to be loved and accepted for who I am and all I ever felt was rejected for who I am by him. My Dad made several promises to me over my life which he didn't keep and although I have forgiven him for these things, I have never forgotten. I can still remember the 2 incidents that happened that started to make me lose respect for him and up until that time my Dad had been one of my heros. I was confused by how he treated me but loved him anyway. As I started to grow up that started changing.
          It may sound like all I do is pick on my Dad but the thing is, is that Dads are so crucial to how a girl views themselves, their lives, what boyfriends/husbands they choose etc. I don't grieve that my Dad is dead. I really haven't missed him. What I grieve over is how things could have or might have been with him. The Bible says that G-d will be a Father to the Fatherless and I have found that to be true in my own life even before my Dad died. Once I realized the unhealthiness that was my parents and my family and decided to break away from that, is when G-d Himself started reteaching me and retraining my thoughts. Everything started to change starting at that point in time.  First my wrong thought patterns and general negativeness, then how I viewed myself. Being aquaintance raped screwed me up pretty bad but as I sensed I was starting to heal I went to a Physcologist to have this confirmed by a professional. And she confirmed it indeed. She was the one who told me I didn't need to hide behind the weight anymore. Up until that point it had been a security blanket for me. It wasn't until 3yrs. after seeing her that everything came together in order for me to start losing the weight. I may have put on a few lbs. because I stopped walking so faithfully for now but I have no intentions of ever hiding behind weight and getting fat again. Whom the L-rd sets free, is free indeed.
          Food is just another drug that people use to escape things. It is another addiction. I have learned a thing or 2 about cravings for certain foods and eating healthy in general since my weight loss and even before and during it. However there is coming a time when it is going to become harder and harder to eat healthy. So then it will be a matter of portion control when eating the food that will be available. Again I say make sure you stock up on staples. Keep your cupboard shelves and pantry shelves full. Floor, sugar, dried fruits like raisins, cornmeal, oatmeal, rice and so on. Make sure you have plenty of water on hand as well. Chuck and I are buying jugs of it and putting it down in our storage room. Distilled is the best kind. Gas is going to be going up to 5 dollars a gallon very shortly and although there will be food at the grocery store, it is going to be so high priced because of inflation that no one will be able to afford to buy much of it if any of it. This is coming down the pike very shortly believe me or not. You of course can also take a wait and see attitude that is up to you. But it doesn't hurt to be stocked up on food anyway cause you never know when you might need it. This includes personal care items as well.
          Boy I sure can swing from one topic to another quickly. I am just writing what is on my mind.
          Yesterday on the way over to meet Chuck, I fell onto Bush Lake Rd. by trying to get through some deep snow to get to the street. My knees are sore and bruised and my wrist hurts a little bit. Who knows maybe its affected my brain as well. I doubt it though.
          Today I went over to pick him up by 1:30. He got done with work earlier. It was weird to be walking in the daylight.
          Anyway thats it for now. Talk to you again later.

Hi

          My heart and my spirit cry out for G-d, He is all I want to know. Life is meaningless without Him.
          I am feeling down today. My antidepressants aren't a cure all they just make it not as bad as it would be. I have tried to get off of them but the withdrawel is awful. Some day I know the L-rd will deliver me from all of this. I look for and wait for that day.
          I found something that is a natural sleep aid. I read about it on Naturalnews.com. It is called Melatonin. I tried it last night and slept really good compared to what I have been. I gave one to Chuck too and he said he slept good as well. I wasn't bothered by restless leg syndrome like I usually am, it was great.
          Whoever sent me those tutorials on videos and pictures and stuff, thank you. Maybe someday I will get around to that portion of this program and I saved the tutorial on the pics and vids, but for right now I am into writing.
          I have decided to walk over and meet Chuck tonight even if it means having to walk on Bush Lake Rd. itself. I have been sitting on my fat butt since last Friday and I really need to get out and walk. I am supposing that I will pick up walking in the halls again at some point in time but this sabatical for lack of a better word from it has felt good. I know I need to get back at it again sooner rather then later as I have noticed my stretched out tummy skin looking a little bigger then it usually does. Sorry but we don't have $4000. + dollars sitting around for a tummy tuck and I can't say I would actually do anything that vein even if we did. My saggy skin is what it is and I knew it would come when I made the decision to try to start losing weight in the first place. I could really care less about what anyone thinks about it either.
          Well I guess thats enough for now. I will come back in and write more later if I can think of anything else I want to say. Bye for now.

Nameless

          I have been watching the wind pick up and blow the snow off the tree branches. One of the pine trees I can see outside the balcony door looks bent over at the top because of so much snow weighing it down.
          And now unto other things. If you really want to get a good concept of how humans act watch a cat. They are good demonstraters. Chuck bought a new bag of cat food for Maverick last night and when I woke up this morning he had knocked it over on the floor and chewed a hole in the bag because he wanted it more then the other food that was left in his dish. I taped up the hole in the bag so the food doesn't go stale. Yesterday Maverick couldn't spend enough time with me and today he is totally ignoring me. All in a day in the life of a cat.
          The Lord has been impressing me the last few days not only about the things I say, but about the thoughts I think as well. The Bible says that once we get saved, we are then continuously engaged in spiritual warfare with our adversary(Satan).
This never lets up until the day our bodies die. Paul calls it wrestling which by the way is the only constant contact sport. See Ephesians chapter 6. This is why Paul says we need to take negative, evil thoughts captive. See II Chorinthians chapter 10. It is also why David asks the Lord in the Psalms to "Set a watch upon my mouth O Lord". These are things that cannot be accomplished on our own. We need the help of the Holy Spirit or Ruach Ha Kodesh as it is pronounced in Hebrew. There are other verses where Paul mentions these things but I can't think of where they are right now. Phillipians I think is one spot. Anyway my prayer is that the Lord will help me to accomplish this. Your mind needs to be renewed and transformed. I think its like how G-d deprogrammed me from rock music. It was gradual but sure.
          I remember going up for prayer once at a church service Chuck and I had attended one evening back home. The pastor laid his hands on me and started to pray and said "Romans 12 verses 1 and 2 are going to become very important to you in this next year. He was off by a couple of years but otherwise right on. Romans 12 verses 1 and 2 talks about being transformed by the renewing of your mind. G-d started to work on this with me when I got into my 40's as I have mentioned before. I pray He never stops.
          And now on another note, there are some tough times coming up just ahead and all I will say is make sure you have plenty of water and that your cupboards and pantry shelves are well stocked with staples. We will be needing these things in the very near future. If you want to just think I am a kook thats fine but if times should become tough as I am warning you will no one to blame but yourselves. I just am being the watchman on the wall.

Its me

          Well here I am again. Still watching it snow. And it is still beautiful. I decided not to walk over to meet Chuck today. I want to wait till it is a little more plowed out around the area before I go trudging.
          I had my 3 mugs of coffee and am now into the peeing portion of my day.
          The computer has been acting real squirrely for the last couple of days now and it gets frustrating at times.
          I was reading this devotional on discouragement today. I think it is one of the biggest poisons the devil and his demons use against us. It can start as early as our toddler years at least it did for me. Up until about the last 25yrs or so I was afraid to try new things for fear of failing at them. This goes back to at least kindergarten for me. I have my report card from kindergarten and when I first started the school year, the teacher wrote in it, "Tammy is afraid to try new things for fear of failing at them." I feel quite certain this was because of both my Mom and Dad but especially Dad. Poor Dad he keeps getting fingers pointed at him. The only things he would encourage me to try were things he thought I should be doing. There was only suffocation with that and no real room for growth. I remember in 3rd grade coming home one day and announcing that I wanted to be a teacher when I grew up and my Dad pounced on that and said something like, why would you want to do that for, I have always thought you should be a nurse. Once I realized that Dad wasn't interested in what I might want to do, I never mentioned anything again.
          He would push nursing on me periodically throughout the years and I had no interest in being a nurse whatsoever. He didn't get it. My Dad never really knew me and he didn't want to because he had his own ideas of what I should be. I wasn't that person at all.
          When I was in high school it was a cross between being a forest ranger and a  interior decorator. Too bad that they couldn't have been combined.
          When I was sent to Goodwill they gave me a bunch of interest and apttitude tests and because I was so messed up at the time the computer suggested I be either a brick layer or an airplane mechanic. I am surprised my answers to all those questions didn't give the computer a nervous breakdown because I was so confused. I thought that was funny at the time and I still think its funny but also sad.
          It wasn't until I was almost 30 that I finally realized what I wanted to be and do with my life was to be an artist. But then there is reality. Oh well I can dream can't I. And all of that to say this. It is so important to be encouraging to people and your loved ones especially. Perhaps if I had, had just one person to encourage me in my life when I was younger I may have turned out to be a completely different person. It took me 40+ yrs to start to believe in myself and feel good about me. What a waste of life. I know for certain that if I had not gotten saved all those yrs ago I would have long gone and been dead. Chuck for that matter too. I told him about the Lord and salvation and then he got saved and it changed his life as well. It is the best decision a person can ever make for themselves. Nothing and I mean absolutely nothing will ever top it.
          It is too bad that so many of us have to make a total utter mess out of our lives before we make the decision to get saved. On the other hand these are the kind of people the Lord sought out while He had His ministry here on earth. It reminds me of an old Bill Gaither Trio song. "Something beautiful, something good, all my confusion He understood. All I had to offer Him was brokeness and strife and He made something beautiful out of my life." The Lord accepts and loves us right where we are at. We can be ourselves with Him. He sets us free. He will always encourage us no matter what is going on in our lives. He is for us and not against us. Sometimes it doesn't seem this way, but that is where faith in Him comes in. So much of my life seems like I have been groping my way through a long dark tunnel with only a pinpoint of light wayyyy up ahead to follow. But the Lord has shown me that He is right there walking beside me even when it feels like I am all alone. Feelings aren't facts. Feelings are just that feelings and they can be as wrong as the day is long. They are unreliable. And with that I am ending this discourse.

No name

          I have been sitting here watching the snow fall for the last several hours. It is so beautiful. I love it when the snow sticks to the branches of the trees. Everything looks so pure and white and clean outside.
          I have not been sleeping very well since I started my menopause and last night as I was trying to fall asleep I was thinking of all the things I could write about in here today. Now of course I can't think of any of them. Isn't that just the way it goes.
          Chuck ordered this book last night about a little boy who died on the operating table or at least at the hospital and how he visited heaven and the things he saw and experienced while there. He watched the video about it and then sent it to me. It coincides with other peoples experiences I have read about or seen who visited heaven as well. I can't wait to read the book. I love reading about heaven and Yaweh God and Yeshua and all the things going on in heaven. It makes so want to be there myself. I should add he was sent back to earth to tell his story. It sounds quite awesome.
          Well I can't think of anything else to write right now so I am going to end this and come back in later if I think of anything else. Chuck is snoozing in the lazy boy and Maverick is under the stuff filled day bed snoozing and I am tempted to join them and take a snooze in this office chair. Later. 
         

Hi

          I am feeling a little bit down today. I guess its because of Frostbike and the sad memories that go along with it.
          After all this time I am still trying to figure out why M felt he needed to do what he did. I think he would have been a fun person to know. Emotions get in our way sometimes and cloud issues and make us do and or say things we wouldn't otherwise. I genuinely cared about him and was working through my Dad issues I was having about him.
          All that has been put on hold now again for the last couple of years as I go round and round in this eddy I have been stuck in.
          I believe that M has been deeply wounded in his spirit like I have been. First there has to come an awareness that you've been wounded and then there has to be a genuine desire to be healed. It can be a series of events that happened or one huge gigantic event that caused it. For me it was a series. God is the only one who can really truly heal these kinds of things and He doesn't heal the same way every time. Because everyone is different, only He knows what is the best way for each person to be healed and who to use for each situation and person. Healings may come all at once or take several years. We need to decide to trust Him to do things in the way that He chooses. He knows us better than we know ourselves after all.
          M, if there is ever a chance that you may stumble across this blog just know I hold no ill will toward you. Yes I was hurt and disappointed but as I have grown older and had the healing in me that God has given me, I understand human nature a little better then I used to and realize that no one is perfect. All I can say is if you want healing, it is there for you. Go to God, talk to Him, You can tell Him anything, He already knows it anyway. He loves you and your salvation is whats most important to Him. You don't have to be fakey or phoney, be real. Although I am sad I felt the need to walk away from my job perhaps it was for the best. Take care.
          Signed me, someone who cares.

Me again

          I would seriously like to know why I am continuously signed out of places. I don't mind that I am still a part of Box of feelings just for you but I don't like being signed out of there all the time. When I want to be signed out I will sign myself out thank you very much.
          Anyway I am trying to decide weather I want to go over and meet Chuck and walk home with him this evening or not. I know that that awful Frostbike starts today and am concerned about the bad memories it may bring up, but I'd like to get the exercise in too.
          I am feeling excedingly lazy today and decided to postpone my shower till tomorrow. I am sure no one could care less and know that Chuck doesn't, so my reasoning is why should I. In fact if I do walk over I think I will leave on my lounge pants and not change into my jeans because they are warmer. I am sure no one will mind the polar bears anyhow. I may get odd looks but I get those anyway so there is nothing new here.
          I found a few nice things at Savers yesterday. A pair of like new sneakers I will use for walking. They were only 8 dollars and looked like they had only been worn once. Ahhh I love a good deal.
          My prayer for Q and Frostbike is that it turns out to be everything they want it to be and more. I harbor no ill will to what Frostbike is and the purpose behind it. I know for myself if I had ever gotten my cosmetologists license I would look forward to conventions and shows. I still love to watch video's on line about what is the newest and hottest thing for hair. Seminars on bicycles would be extremely boring to me. I like to ride a bike but am not fanatical about it as I am sure someone who enjoys a seminar on bikes would probably not enjoy a seminar on the latest hair cutting and hair coloring techniques.
          I love owning a Fromm sissors but wouldn't take it to bed with me. Some of those people at Q live their bikes. Breathe sleep and eat them. I have to commend them for their passion, to bad it can't be redirected toward G-d as He is the only thing really worth being passionate about. Very top of the list anyway.
          Well I have decided I have done enough blathering for now. I will talk at you later if I feel like it.

Aha

          I was just looking through some of the other blogs on box of feelings just for you. It seems as though most people communicate by pictures. Im sorry but I am not into anything as elaborate as that. For me its just write, write, write, and tell, tell, tell.
          So we never did make it to one of the lakes to take our walk today. It was back to the MOA but one thing I must say and that is that I had forgotten how much nicer it is there during the week then on Saturdays. Not a bad time at all today.
          Last night I told my husband that if I die earlier then expected I want to be cremated and I want everyone to have lunch at Old Country Buffett. It is my favorite place to go. If they had Golden Correls here it would be there but they don't so its OCB. That is next to IHOP which is positively my most favorite place to eat in the whole world even more then Fogo de Chao which costs $50.00 per person but is worth every penny.
          However on a little bit different note, I just read an article saying that there is supposed to be a major world food shortage by this April and that Obama is getting troops ready for the massive rioting that is expected. So unless I die before April or the article was bogus no one will be able to eat at OCB. Time will tell for both of these events.
          This is something I have only been reading about recently in the last 2 to 3 yrs. or so. The other thing I have read and heard is that there will be food on the shelves but no one will be able to afford it because of sky rocketing inflation. In either case we shall see. I am certain it will be one or the other.
          Well I hope whoever reads this had a good day today and has a great one tomorrow. As for me I hear sleep calling me softly and gently. The arthritis in my neck and shoulder(s) has been bothering me nearly all week. I took some naproxin for it tonight so I expect to sleep well and have it not bother me tomorrow.
          Stompy was home last night though and the cigarette cravings and the coughing have been bothering me today. Hopefully he isn't up there tonight.
         Tell next time.........

Hi

It is so nice to have some warmer weather again. I have been able to walk over and meet Chuck for the last 3 nights now. I love the smell of the air when the snow starts to melt. I heard an owl hooting as I was entering Q's parking lot. I know it is still February but I have been so enjoying this little taste of spring.
          I read an article about SAD today, you know that seasonal disorder, and I had every single one of the symptoms mentioned. I knew I had some of them but was surprised to find I had all of them.
          Chuck has tomorrow off because he has to work all 3 days of Frostbike this year. I am looking forward to this. It is supposed to get near 50 and maybe we will be able to take a walk around one of the lakes. I get tired of the MOA. I dislike the buy, buy, buy atmosphere over there it gets old.
          A friend of mine that lived in my building got evicted from her apartment yesterday. I was glad to hear she was finally moving on. She was harrassed here almost from the time she moved in till the day she moved out all because of one woman who was a major control freak and didn't like my friends dog. It was one thing after another. This woman was a known trouble maker. She moved out in December because she couldn't get her way and have my friend removed. I pray my friend never has to go through what she went through living here, again. No need to go into all the gorry details just suffice it to say that I have never seen Murphy's law at work in anyones life like it was in my friends both mentally and physically. I pray she can at last be at peace in her new home. No one deserves to go through what she went through.
          Anyway thats all for this entry.

Hi

I have been having some bouts of depression again the last few days. Hopefully this will change in the next few days as the weather starts to warm up and I am able to start walking over to meet Chuck again. I bought a pair of rain boots (black with different colored dots and umbrellas all over them and a liner too) to wear when it starts to melt outside. Once it is warm enough to start walking again and it gets slushy with huge puddles, I want nothing to stop me or get in my way of walking. I have gained a few pounds from not being faithful with my walking these last 4 wks. Kind of disheartening. I think I may have burnt myself out with the halls for it has come down to feeling like I am going to gag almost every time I think about facing those halls again. The last couple of weeks all I have done is empty the trash a couple times during the week, and when I go out there I am reminded of how much I don't miss it. I have become a hermit of sorts which I can have a tendency to do. I am a very introverted person by nature. I have learned to be socialable from the jobs I have had but I prefer solitude more then anything else.
          I took a rohrshach test on line once and it said my most dominant quality was peacefulness. I have a tendency to agree, this is very true. At the same time I have enormous amounts of anxiety but have learned to mask it.  I have been an anxious person ever since I can remember in fact I probably wouldn't know what to do with myself if I never felt any anxiety again it is that deeply ingrained in me. On the other hand my cat loves to sit on my lap while I am at the computer and would for hours if I were to let him, because of my peacefulness. Unfortunately for him my leg gets sore or I have to go potty or both or something else. Bad for him good for me. It is hard to type with a cat on your lap.
          On another note, my husband ordered me a 2lb. box of Oak's chocolates from Oshkosh Wis. where I am from. They are home made and hand dipped and everything and are by far the best chocolates I have ever tasted. I got them today along with my boots. He said he ordered all my favorites and some of his as well. He loves the meltaways which are by far some of their best, but I love the ones dipped in chocolate and then rolled in crushed nuts both vanilla and chocolate filled. I love those 2 kinds without nuts as well. Haystacks, english toffee, mmmm. What a treat this will be for both of us.
          Anyway this enough blathering for awhile and I have some chores to do before he gets home. Talk to you again later maybe.

Dance with me

          I just finished listening to some songs by Paul Wilbur. Dance with me oh lover of my soul is one of my favorites and I usually start to cry when I hear it. In the live concert version, there is a lady in a white dress that dances around on the stage and I always associate myself with her.
          There was a time in my life that I was so bound up with yucky stuff that I was a prisoner in chains. The L-rd gave Chuck a vision of this. He saw me in a prison cell but the door was open. They were chains of my own making. Chuck then said he saw me get up and walk out of the prison cell and the chains came off and I was eventually dancing before the L-rd. This is exactly what has happened to me in my life. My healing has been slow but steady and sure. And I have a ways to go with it yet. Sometimes it feels like 3 steps forward 2 steps back but the point is a little bit of progress is better then no progress at all and lately as I have mentioned before I feel stuck in an eddy in all areas of my life. But G-d is good and faithful and I know He is still working in my life and on me personally and I will be out of this eddy and back on track whenever the time is right. I have learned that timing is everything when it comes to a person's life.
          I remember one time when we were still living in Oshkosh that I was walking over to the Chiropractors (sp?). It was winter and as I was walking by the Jackson St. athletic field. I was looking at this big tree that is on the sideline and for some reason I was thinking to myself, I wonder if this is kind of like the sycamore tree that Zaccheaus had to climb in order to get a better view of Jesus? And the L-rd spoke to me and said "You are like Zaccheaus to me". And I just knew He was smiling as He was saying this and I started to cry once again. Not sobbing just tears coming to my eyes.
          I had this dream once that I was in what is my version of the most wonderful mall in the world (like the moa only better). I was alone and totally enjoying myself with window shopping and all the sights and sounds when suddenly I came across this store area only there wasn't a store in there instead it was a room with a wall at the back that was made out of like stones and there was a small waterfall coming out of the stones and into a pond surrounded by more of the stones at the bottom of the wall. The floor was concrete and where I was walking by it was all floor to ceiling windows with a glass door in the middle. Closer to the area where I was there was a group of children hanging around someone sitting in a folding chair. They were sitting and standing and laughing and playing. Anyway I looked and said to myself , that looks like Jesus hmmm I wonder if it is and if it is will He notice me? Just as I was thinking this He looked up at me and ours eyes met. I kept walking on past the area but we kept looking at each other. Then I woke up. It is so long ago since I had this dream I am trying to remember more things about it. The parents of these children were standing around watching all this take place including people who were peering in from where I was. I wanted to go in and join them but was afraid to because my heart was unsure. Would I be accepted because I wasn't a kid?, Was that truly Jesus? and so on. Anyway I had the same dream again a short time later and at the time thought they were the best dreams I had ever had. Since then I have had a couple more dreams that are right up there with these 2 and will share them at another time.
          Whenever I hear my favorite songs by Paul Wilbur I can't help but start praising the L-rd, it is an automatic response. Today I wanted to put on our prayer shawl and get on my knees before the throne. I got out the prayer shawl to wash it and the next time I listen to Paul Wilbur I will put it on and cover my head with it and worship.
          If you get saved, don't expect your life to be totally together all at once. It doesn't happen that way. The Bible says we are supposed to work out our salvation with fear and trembling, neither of which I did for years and I still lose the fear and trembling sometimes but it is a hearts desire of mine to have it.
          I have much anger that needs to be dealt with yet but again I know that G-d is faithful and is working on me and will continue to. The anger used to come out in my dreams. I used to be amazed that I would have such violent dreams (killing and maiming and so forth, one time I dreamed I killed a person by breaking every bone in their bodies. I woke up screaming from that one.) I have only had dreams like that once or twice in the last 6 years now. I am just glad anger like that comes out in my dreams and nowhere else. I don't feel so bad though because even Chuck has mentioned having dreams like these. It is our sub concious mind dealing with our anger in a healthy way and I would much rather have it come out in dreams then in reality. In reality the idea of killing or maiming is abhorent to me except for wanting to punch someone in the nose now and then and I have to be really stirred up to want to do that. I have my little soap box issues like we all do, politics and stuff like that but I don't feel like slapping people around just because they don't agree with me.
          So anyway now that I have totally gotten off the beaten track with what I was talking about I think I am all talked out for another session. Talk again maybe tomorrow.

More on what I was talking about the other night.

          I just read over what I wrote the other night. It sounds somewhat discombobulated and I am sorry for that. I think it was because everything was spilling out of me so fast.
          I have to admit that I still get upset over what happened every now and then. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of it at least once, and the unfairness of it all.
          I remember thinking to myself that Tuesday night, "Hmmm the Bible says that all things work together for good to those who love G-d, to those who are the called according to His purposes, Romans 8 verse 28. What good is going to come out of all this?" I have to say the jury is still out on that one but I do trust G-d that I will be able to heal from this and come to peace about it some day.
          A few summers ago the L-rd was teaching me about the ripple effect. The ripple effect is as follows. If you throw a pebble into a pool of still water what happens to the water. (I used to do this when I lived at the lake.) A little ripple forms and goes out further and further and further until it disappears. The L-rd showed me that this is what we do with our own lives and namely other peoples lives as well. It can be something we either do, or say. or both. It can cause either good, positive, constructive, healing ripples (or results), or negative, destructive, hurtful, painful results. And it was from that illustration this He started to train me in what were the ways and thoughts of love and what weren't. I still have much learning to do in this area because of a lifetime of wrong thinking.
          I would like to point a few things out here about that particular experience.  I could have raised a stink over it if I had wanted to but both Chuck and I felt the L-rd wanted us to remain silent.
          #1. It says in the videos we had to watch about sexual harrassment that you should talk to someone if you are feeling uncomfortable about anything someone may be doing or saying to you to make you feel uncomfortable. I would like to point out right here and now that M never did. Also I pinched S in the cheek once telling him he was so darn cute that he needed a girl friend. By the way I am old enough to be S's mother and meant it in that way. Anyway S never complained about it and when I asked him about it he said it didn't bother him one way or the other.
          #2. M's friend who works in HR and whom he is really close too knew about my notes and candy all along and never said one word to me or anyone else about them.
          #3. I always signed my notes "Signed me", so that I could not be implicated in any way.
          #4. No one ever came and asked me or talked to be about these things before hand to hear the whole story.
          #5. Where were M, T, and S at my meeting with HR since this concerned them as well.
          #6. Have I mentioned yet that my boss never even took me aside to tell me she was going to HR about it and in essence betrayed me. I was placed on trial and she, her boss and HR became my judge, jury and executioner.
          #7. I was told they wanted me to stay on working there for them. (Yeah like I was going to stay on working there after being betrayed and treated like a 5yr. old and be expected to continue working with the person who betrayed me, and go about my business as though nothing had ever happened?)
          #8. And lest we forget I had to sign a piece of paper saying I would not go near M, his cubicle, nor anything near or around it. (What were they going to do, put up cameras around M's cubicle? Or just have spies lurking about making sure I didn't get near it and then tattle on me if I happened to walk by it too closely or something like that?) Or maybe if I looked too long in that direction as I was walking by (and I did have to walk by it, there was no escaping it.)
          #9. Why was this even an issue anymore being as almost 4 months had gone by since the last time I had put anything on M's desk?
          #10. None of this should have gone to HR. My boss should have taken me aside and talked to me personally (a reprimand) for throwing M's doll and I should have been told that I would be fired if I ever did anything like that again to M or anyone else. And that should have been the end of the story.
          #11. And here is where I come in really sounding like a spoiled sport. Everyone else has been able to carry on with their lives as though nothing has happened knowing full well this whole situation was handled very wrongly and badly and I have been left with nothing. I am not positive but I even think what happened to me is illegal.
          And if it sounds like the lamb is roaring right now its because she is. I am sorry but this still really burns my cookies sometimes. Also it just feels good to let it all out. Seeing it on proverbial paper makes me feel really good.
          I think a case like this would be thrown out of court because of there being circumstantial evidence only for a lot of this stuff. It is nothing but a he said, she said thing.
          And now on a sadder note, we went to Chuck's cousins, husbands funeral this afternoon. He was only 61. When I was little I thought that was so old, now I only have 8yrs. to go before I am there myself.
          I remember sitting in church one Sunday back in 1969 and looking through the hymnal while the sermon was going on. It gave what date Easter was going to be on through at least the year 2000. And I remember figuring out how old I would be if I reached that year, and I remember thinking "wow I will be so old on that Easter." It is now going to be 11 Easters since 2000 and I am thinking hey Im not that old. Im going to be 53 in a few short weeks but it is actually 53 going on 11. There is a little girl inside this 53 year old body and she will never completely grow up. Life is too much fun with her around and its too short to not have her around.

Thoughts on missing my job.

          I have been missing my job today and need to talk about some things concerning it.  I am finished grieving over the loss of it, its just that every now and then I still miss it and feel bad over the foolish shenanigans that caused me to feel the need to walk away from it.
          After it started being dark out when I walk over to meet Chuck, the first few times were hard on me because I was over there working when it was dark out more then any other time of day. I look up at the windows and see the area that I spent the most time in working and it is hard. I had some good prayer times up there while cleaning the conference rooms. It was so peaceful.
          I was so grateful for getting that job. It was created just for me and I worked the hardest I possibly could at it to let them know how grateful I was for it. I almost always went the extra mile and did things I wasn't asked to do as well because I wanted to say thanks.
          Frostbike is coming up next weekend and it was 2 years ago that things really started going bad for me when I was working that particular Frostbike. First of all let me say that I hated it. I do not like those kind of situations. They make me crazy. The whole thing was like a situation from hell. Someone I cared about very much used the situation for their advantage to hurt me very much and things started going down hill for me from then on. I have mentioned this person in an earlier entry. Who they portrayed themselves to be and who they actually were turned out to be completely different. After he got a different job in the office area I wanted to keep saying hi to him and didn't know exactly how to go about it. Then one night I was walking through the marketing area and saw a jar filled with hershey kisses. I thought this is great, it isn't impersonal and takes things up just a notch from the bubble gum that was sitting there as well. I wanted him to know he was special. I got a thank you from him written on paper (which I still have, I carry it around with me because it was/is special).  I wrote him a note explaining why I had done what I had done and one more later on to apologize for him getting caught up in the cross hairs of snitty mood I had been in with some more candy. (Halloween this time). I also at one time told him I had a talent for drawing and drew him a Christmas card to show him and let him get to know me a lttle bit. All these things my husband knew about and as a matter of fact I wouldn't have done any of them if my husband had disapproved in any way. (My husband and I are very close and we share everything with each other). I knew G-d was using this guy in my life for His own intents and purposes and so did my husband. This is how G-d works with me sometimes to heal me from things of my past.
          Anyway I never got a thank you or any kind of recognition that he had even looked at the card so I figured he wasn't interested in being friends so I gave up. Then 2 months later at Frostbike I was in a small kitchen like area washing some glasses I was told to go around and collect and I heard music and laughing coming from his cubicle which was across from the kitchen. At first I thought hmmm someone is farting around at Ms cubicle and didn't pay any further attention because there was a lot of crazy things going on that night.
          When I came back to do the second load I heard it again and took a peak around the corner and there he was with a girl he had smuggled in and it was he that was doing the farting around. And I knew then that the whole situation had been staged for my benefit. This cut me to the quick. If he had taken a knife and stabbed me in the heart it couldn't have hurt any worse. I eventually ran out of there and ran to a back restroom crying. I had to hold onto the counter where the sinks were because I felt like I was going to throw up. It was then I realized that this guy was nothing but a game player and I was so grieved and cried for the rest of the night before going home.
          As I was leaving and heading to put my radio away I ran into my boss who noticed I was crying. I didn't want to tell her why but she coaxed it out of me and I told her everything about the candy and the notes and saying hi. She was very kind to me. She told me he was going to move in with this woman which grieved me all the more. I got into our van that night and told my husband everything and he said, you know this relationship won't last and I said I know but was so grieved over this whole elaborate scheme that was cooked up and hatched all for my benefit. What a sick twisted thing to do I thought and began to realize all the issues this man really had and how immature he was.
          The next day being Sunday I had to work once again and it was clean up day. My boss had me working with her and he was around everywhere. I couldn't even bring myself to look him in the face I was so hurt and angry and disappointed. At lunch I happened to sit at the table opposite him and wasn't planning on saying much of anything really. But then I just opened my mouth and the next thing you know I was telling the person I was sitting with all about my date rape and everything connected with it. The L-rd showed me that this was for his benefit because he needed to hear it. I got Monday off and came back on Tuesday and there he was trying to be nice to me but I would have none of it. I needed my space and to be able to breath. This apparantly upset him because a couple of months later I heard from my boss (someone had confided in her) that he was thinking about filing sexual harrassment charges against me. Needless to say I had a complete melt down I was so hurt and so upset. I was going to walk out that night and not come back but my boss talked me into staying and coming back the next day.
          On the way out that night I walked by his cubicle and took this little doll he had sitting on his shelf and threw it before leaving. If he had been there I would punched him in the face I was so angry.
          That was a Tuesday. The next night my husband had a dream that my boss was going to betray me. He described in detail the whole dream, the conference room, who was there and where they were seated. He said M was there and was denying everything telling me that I was crazy. He said I was crying and I quit working there. He said when he woke up from the dream he was so upset over it he asked the L-rd if this was something that might happen or was going to happen. He said the L-rd told him "Tell Tammy that even Judas was one of my disciples and he betrayed me". I brushed it off, but there were things about the situation that were unfolding that didn't make any sense and still don't to this day. The guy that told my boss that M was going to file the charges against me denied he ever talked to M and said he hardly knew him and that he never told my boss. My boss insisted he did but wouldn't confront him because she said he didn't want to be involved in it, someone else who my boss said was involved in the conversation said they never were and so on and so forth.
          I told my boss I threw Ms doll so that she knew first hand and that Friday she said I needed to punch in and come with her to hr. And Chucks dream unfolded just as he had described it to me the only difference being that M wasn't there my bosses boss was instead. Everyone else was in that conference room sitting exactly where Chuck said they were sitting in his dream. And I wasn't crying I was furious and had to sign a piece of paper saying I wouldn't get near M or his cubicle or anything near or around his cubicle.
          After I signed it I walked out and talked to Chuck and quit. No one ever told M that I know of and the other parties involved T and S never said a word. And I sat home and grieved and grieved.
          One day in fall I was out walking and I heard the L-rd speak to me and say "Let the healing begin". I was going to give my soup to S but knew I needed to give it to M instead. Chuck brought it over and I said be sure to tell him I am sorry I threw his doll thinking that he knew by that time that I had. He never went near it and Chuck took it back home and he and I ate it.
          I didn't want to go to the Christmas party that year but Chuck came home on the last day of sign up and said he signed us up because he felt a nudge from the L-rd to do so. On the day of the party I was sick and was afraid I wasn't going to make it, but I rallied myself out of my sick bed and went because I wanted to obey the L-rd.
          When we got there and of course there was no place else to sit except right by M's table (like that was our fault?) And he proceeded to bad mouth me all night long to every one who sat at his table who would listen to whatever it was he was saying about me.
          I went home that night and grieved and gieved and grieved and grieved for months. I never realized how immature, spiteful and petty M could be until that night. It was a real eye opener for me and it is the only reason I can imagine that the L-rd wanted me to go to that Christmas Party so that he could show me.
          Since then I have thought a few choice things about M. Someone must have told him I was growing the color out of my hair because I saw him drive by in a jeep one night as Chuck and I were walking around the block last summer. The look on his face was absolute horror. I think the person he thought I was and who I really am are 2  completely different people.  I know that someone who works at Q lives in another one of the buildings here or at least they did, I figure they are the ones who told M about my gray hair.
         To sum this all up the best I can. I forgive M. I feel sorry for him. When Chuck came home one day in summer and told me the woman he had been living with had moved out it didn't surprise me at all or Chuck because we knew it was coming. We didn't know exactly how only that it would. My boss told me the reason why but it is irrlevant what the reason was. My prayer for M is that G-d will be able to show him what issues he has and that he will start to deal with them. I have found in my own personal life that yes dealing with issues is hard, but it makes you become a better you and don't we all want that for ourselves?
Oh and I still miss my job and had to give it up for such a bunch of foolishness.

Hmmm they aren't offering as many text colors on here as they were before. Whatever I guess. I am feeling very introspective and thoughtful right now. I read some stuff today that was very heavy duty and somewhat overwhelming. Before I go any further I would like to say that I am a proud member of the tin foil hat club and I see a conspiracy under nearly every rock there is. Some of the things I read I have read before and some of them were new. As I dig more and more into these things and keep finding out that this is related to this which is related to that and people included, that things are surprising me  less and less. I can clearly see the lines being drawn in the sand and which side I belong to. I know I will have to make a choice some day out front and my prayer is that the L-rd prepares me for that moment so that I can be strong and true to him when the time comes. We will all have to make a stand either for Him or against Him one these days and I of course want to be with Him. My life means nothing to me and as I have said before I am not really interested in anything this world has to offer. Chuck and I live with just the basics in this little room. All of our "things" are in storage. The furniture is ready for a good bonfire because we have moved so many times and it has really taken a beating. Anyway whats eternal and spiritual are the only "things" that really matter and you can't take any "thing" with you when you die. And we all have an appointment with death not a question of if, but when. There is no gaurentee on how long our lives will be and no one ever promised that we are entitled to a long life. This is one of the reasons why I can't figure out why people get so upset when someone dies earlier then we think they should. We have no right to say. Life is a gift not an entitlement. We take so much for granted and think we are entitled to so much. Whats up with that anyway. People get upset with us when we don't perform in the way they are expecting us to, like they are entitled to have us behave in a certain way, like we are a trained seal or something like that. Or a dog. Roll over, sit, play dead. If you don't expect anything out of anyone then you won't be disappointed when they don't perform for you as expected.
          Every time I hear that song Stairway to heaven it affects me in one way or another. I remember the first time I heard it. It was November I believe of 1973 and I was getting ready for bed. I was 15 at the time and in 10th grade. I had my radio on and that song came on and I remember it stopped me dead in my tracks and I had to sit on the side of my bed and just listen to it. It has almost always affected me in this way. I only heard a little bit of it today and it has caused me to feel very down. I once read the story of how this song was written. Jimmy Page used to own Aleister Crowleys old house (I don't know if he still does or not). Aleister Crowley was once known as the most evil man alive. Anyway Jimmy was sitting in the living room by the fireplace (fire going) and the words just came to him. And I know who they came from and where they came from and will never forget. I think it is the best song that Led Zepplin ever did and who and where it came from is why. It is one of the big reasons why I do not listen to rock music any longer. There is such a correlation between rock music and drug use (getting high) that after a while you don't even need drugs to get high from it anymore. G-d deprogramed me from rock music and I don't want to ever go back again. I don't want to get high and I don't want to have my past drag me down anymore which is what rock music does to me. Ususally I can handle 10 mins of it these days if I am lucky. There was a time I wasn't strong enough to turn it off, now I am and I do. Anyway enough of this babbling for another day.