Hi

I know I haven't been in here in awhile but I haven't felt like saying much as of late. I have some things that are laying heavy on my heart and I want to talk about some of them. One being people that are over sensitive about just about anything.
          Another one is about how important marriage vows are to G-d and the goofy reasons people use these days to get a divorce.
         I don't have the time to say much tonight but the L-rd has been prompting me to get back in here and write again so I am going to do that. Perhaps tomorrow.

Hi

          I just woke up from a nap and feel really out of it. I could have even slept longer but needed to get up anyway. I sure am glad we are only having leftovers for dinner tonight cause I don't feel like putzing out in the kitchen.
          Anyway whats on my mind right now is that I am so sick and tired of people getting mad at me for allegedly doing something that I didn't do or say and then giving me the cold shoulder for it. This is happening with some people back home right now and someone nearby. This stuff gets so old its moldy. However I can't get too angry because I have done it myself as well. People cause themselves a whole lot of emotional stress by taking on a grudge towards someone for an imagined slight.
          We should always give someone the benefit of the doubt because you never know whats really happening and things aren't always as they appear to be. Sometimes what is going on is entirely different from the way it looks. I have even gotten into trouble for allegedly saying things I have never said. This is ridiculous.
           This is my soap box issue for the day and I am feeling very grrrrrr over this right now. The lamb is roaring inside. See ya around.

Hi

          I don't have much time today as I need to get ready to go over and meet Chuck. But I just wanted to welcome M to the neighborhood. It was nice to see you have your curtains open for those couple of days. It made me feel that you weren't mad at me anymore for my mistake. I hope you enjoy living in the gulag. Its not too bad if you don't ruffle any feathers. This is a nice neighborhood. People are friendly. This is all to say if its even you, but I am sure I saw you across the way in the 7301 building. Maybe you were just visiting a friend but if not, welcome.

Hi

          I don't have much time to write because I have to get ready to meet Chuck.
          But I just wanted to say that I think I have finally figured out who Devils Love is over BOFJFY. I have come to the conclusion after giving it much thought that he is M. This is something I have suspected for quite some time and lately he seems to be giving me more hints that it is him.
          I have thought for quite awhile that BOF is a bogus web site. It doesn't make any sense otherwise. I have looked at each and every one of the profiles on there and some do not have anything but a name, others are involved with websites that would make no sense as to why they would be involved with BOFas well. I could be wrong but I am starting to strongly doubt this. M, I am on to you.
          I am sorry I hurt your feelings the other day when I saw you drive by in your jeep but I was so flabbergasted to see you with a cigarette hanging out of your mouth that it threw me off totally. I felt bad afterward that I didn't say hi or at least wave but by that time it was too late. You don't have to feel bad I meant nothing bad by it. It is what I tried to say in the comments of your last entry on BOF. They never got posted.
          You probably won't be in to read my blog for awhile but at least this will be one of the entries to read when and if you decide to read it again. Now you know that things are not always what they appear to be. I said in another blog entry once before that I cared about you very much. This is as far as things can go for me being as I am married. This is the way it has always been since I first saw you at Q. I do not wish to be your enemy.

Hi

         Ok so here is a silly way to start off writing tonight but whoever started Bath and Body works is totally brilliant. I discovered them a few years ago now and can't imagine life without them. At least I know that if I die tonight, I will at least  die smelling nice. Tropical from head to toe. They have got some of the best stuff out there. I should do an ad for them.
           I am feeling very down. Chuck got sick on something he ate and has been both throwing up and having diahrea so I don't think we will be going anywhere tomarrow. Looks like its going to be a lazy weekend at home. I had this kind of long shopping list too. Tp and cat food and things like that. Oh well what is a person to do? I have had my sick times too and we have had to cancel going places because of it. I took a day off from walking today so I have to make sure I get it in around the neighborhood tomorrow. I guess I will pretend that I am walking over to meet Chuck and just walk that route.
          This is going to sound like I am complaining and maybe I am, but the weather was just a little bit more warmer and humid then what I truly enjoy today. But given the choice over what we had this winter compared to today, I will take today.

          I have been rejected yet again at BOFJFY and have been banned from writing any comments once again. I guess I give up. I am not going to try anymore. Someone over there obviously doesn't like me and they don't want me making any comments. I guess I finally get the hint. I guess I should just stay away from there.
          I have been thinking for the last couple of days about what unconditional love really is. I realize, now that I am an old gramma lady, that my parents always did love me unconditionally, something that the L-rd has been showing me over the last few days. Yes even my dear old Dad.I felt loved by my Mom later in life and then only my Mom. Boy it has taken me so long to realize these things. 53+ years. Better late then never I guess. As for Dad maybe he had to be dead in order for me to truly realize that he did love me unconditionally. It was one of the best kept secrets though. I also felt that at the end of Dads life both him and Mom were deliberately going out of their way to pick on me and hurt me. It wasn't until after my Dad died and my Moms alzheimers starting getting the better of her that she stopped being mean to me and picking on me. I hate to say this, but that is when she started to be enjoyable to be around again. How sad. Life is so strange.
          Well I am going to wrap this up and head off to bed. I could very well possibly be back in here tomorrow if we wind up home all day and possibly Sunday as well which in that case I want to revisit unconditional love some more.
Bye for now.  

Hi Tis I

          Saw M on the way over to meet Chuck today only I didn't realize it was him until it was too late. He had a cigarette hanging out of his mouth and it totally blew me away. All I thought was oh no not you too. I seem to have a life surrounded by smokers, not that Im surrounded by M but being around smokers seems to be an inevitability in my life. Funny thing is he never struck me as being a smoker.
          When I was home for Easter, everyone was smoking there as well even people who didn't smoke before were doing it now. Chuck was miserable and I just wanted one. The craving never seems to really go away. But I made a committment to myself after I lost my weight to make healthy choices and to do healthy things for me instead of choosing negative things for myself anymore. All the bad choices I made for myself in the past led to my eventual downfall and I just don't want to sabotage myself anymore. So to all you smokers out there, you too M, smoke away, knock yourselves out, but as for me I need to try and stay strong and true to myself and to do what I know G-d wants me to do. This is for Him and me.
          And M, my prayer for you is that someday you will choose to do nothing but healthy things for yourself as well. Sorry I was so shocked.

Hi

I can't choose what color I want to write in anymore. The feature doesn't work anymore. Oh well, what you going to do.
          I wanted to get in here last night and write, but time slipped away on me.
          I saw M yesterday at Q when I went over to meet Chuck. As I was walking over to Q and was almost there I noticed that I was early and I asked the Lord why I seemed to be early for, and after I saw M then I knew why.
          It was good to see him. I didn't realize it was him for a second or 2 but then
 I did and couldn't help but give him a huge smile. I felt a little bit of healing take place in my heart and it felt good.
          Today I noticed that they took the pictures of the members on Box of feelings away so you can't see them anymore. I wonder what happened? That is such an odd website. If they are gone I will truly miss DL's poems. They really grew on me.
My prayer for DL is that he gets his hearts desire and is reunited with the one he loves. I told him things could work out when you least expect them to. Have faith DL.
          Anyway I will maybe write some more tomorrow night. Have a good long weekend everyone in case I don't get back in here.

Hi

         Well, how is anyone doing out there today. Im fine I Guess. At least no more intestinal cramps or throwing up this week so far.
          Chuck and I walked around and sat around waiting for the rapture on Saturday but it was not to be so. How bout you? Jesus said no man knows the day or the hour only my Father in heaven. Thats why I get such a kick out these people that come along every now and then and give a certain day, year and hour that its supposed to happen. When will these people learn?
          Anyway, feeling a little down today, not sure why. I can't write as much as I would like to cause I have some exercises to do and then I am going to walk over to Q to meet Chuck and walk home with him. Just thought I would check in and say hi. Heres praying anyone's Monday is going along as nicely as possible.

Hello

          I have not been feeling good lately. Ever since we went home for Easter. My intestinal cramps have returned and I have been having a harder time keeping my food down again. I have been able to avert throwing up for the past week but sometimes I have to fight it. I wish I knew what was bringing this on again. I know I gained a few pounds over winter but my clothes still fit me and I know its not enough to make that much of a difference. Last Thursday, I felt the nudge to take the park way over to meet Chuck and I had just gone round the bend and had to beat it up the hill to the restroom. Diarea had come out of nowhere and it caused me to be late in getting over to Q.  Otherwise not much else going on here. I sure am glad the weather is nice again. This past winter seemed like the longest winter I have ever had to endure. It was a winter of my discontent, not the winter but a winter.
          Anyway, just checking in maybe I will write more later in the week. Got to go, cause I have to get ready to meet Chuck.

Hi

          Well I am not being allowed to choose a text color today so I hope everyone can read this in black. If not I am sorry.
          The death of David Wilkerson has hit me really hard. I feel there has been a great loss to the body of Christ here on earth. Oh to be like David Wilkerson. He had such a passion for Christ and His will. I seem to continuously be taking 3 steps forward 2 steps back in my spiritual life. The depression and just plain old feeling crabby have been strong these past few days. I used to act on my crabby moods all the time back in the day but thank G-d He has been teaching me that I can feel crabby and say I feel crabby but it doesn't mean I have to actually act it out.
But back to David Wilkerson again, I feel the loss but rejoice He is with Yeshua and that He is being told "Well done thou good and faithful servant". And my prayer is that someday The L-rd Yeshua will be able to say this to me as well. Although I wonder about this sometimes.
          My heart is just panting for Him today. Its been awhile and it feels good I must say.
          I know something big is coming down the pike for this country. I don't know when or where and I have been sensing this for years now. I only know that we are closer to it coming then ever before. This will either affect the whole country or a large portion of it and it will change things forever when it does actually happen.
          I heard on tv back in late 2001 early 2002 that Bin Ladin was dead. He had kidney disease and his dialysis equipment was damaged during an attack. That along with the type of kidney disease he had he had at most 6 years to live. So why Obama and his clowns are pulling these shenanigans with all this is beyond me, but I believe this will backfire on him. If Im wrong Im wrong but I would be shocked if it didn't. This world forgets that there is a higher power beyond them at work in all situations of the world. And if G-d doesn't see fit to have something happen, it won't happen or if its supposed to happen it won't be until He sees fit.

Hi

          I have had 2 strange experiences in the past 24 hrs. that I want to share. The first one was last night as I was sleeping.
          I had a spiritual warfare dream. It was night and I was riding a bike down a sidewalk of some street in some city and I came up to the corner to cross the street and I looked to my right at the corner house and there was a young woman being severely beaten by what appeared to be 2 women. I sensed they were demonic somehow. I crossed the street and rode past the first house and stopped my bike and turned my head to look back at what was going on. The house was big and had a fair sized yard and there was snow in it. I saw the blood on the snow from the beating taking place. I knew I could help this woman win this fight (which she was losing badly) but at first I hesitated, then I got off my bike, grabbed a pillow I had with me and went over and started distracting one of the demons with my pillow. Both demons were disguised as women and one had a sword and was trying to strike the young woman with it. I put my pillow in front of her sword and suddenly the dream switched a little bit and the next thing I knew both of these demons were trying to think of anyway they could to harm me, but they couldn't. They took what appeared to be a tv and were trying to beat me with it but it was just bouncing off of me. I looked at them boardly and yawned as if to say "Is this all you have for me?" One looked at the other and said "this isn't working, we can't seem to harm her." Then the scene changed and I was beating the bloody snot out of these 2 demon/women. I strangled one of them and they fell down the basement stairs and the other one I was kicking and beating and anyway they both wound up dying. Then the dream switched again and I was surrounded by these black animal like looking demons that were circling me. One looked kind of like a panther and the other one had heads at both ends of it. I started kicking at them hard. I started waking up and as I did I found I was kicking the air with my foot. Thats what really woke me up. I woke up with a huge sense of relief and fell back to sleep pretty quickly.
          I think I had this dream because I was being attacked spiritually in my thoughts before falling asleep and was binding the works of the demon that was attacking me and taking my thoughts captive. The L-rd is teaching me to recognize what thoughts are of Him, what thoughts are of myself and what thoughts are straight from the pits of hell.
          Then tonight we were at the Eden Praire Walmart doing our weekly shopping list stuff. We were at the back of the store getting some tp. As we came up to the back isle of the store where the tp is located, I was steering the cart. Chuck had already turned the corner to the back isle and I was in the process of it when I sensed someone behind me. For some reason my spiritual hackles came on and I was thinking about black eyed people. (Do a google search on black eyed people) And I kept thinking, don't turn around, don't turn around. And out of the corner of my eye I saw a profile of someone small and I started thinking, its a grey, its a grey. Weird huh? Anyway I finally turned the corner to the back isle and I got a chance to see the person who was behind me. It turned out to be a small woman all dressed in black, no usual Walmart vest or anything to indicate she worked for Walmart. She had a very dour, angry like look on her face and dark eyes. She went through the door to the stock area and disappeared.
          I was about to comment about her to Chuck and I felt a check in my spirit not to say anything. I told him about it when I got home.
          I was totally shook up inside about the whole experience. I knew it was of a spiritual origin. I felt like I was on the alert and that something wasn't right. Even though it has been several hours since it happened I still feel shaken up inside. Its hard to explain. If you have ever had an encounter with the supernatural you will understand. I told Chuck the last time I had that feeling was when I was in treatment the last time. I had a conversation one time with one of the other women who was there when I was and I knew that what she was saying was a demon speaking through her. I don't know how I knew at the time I just knew and it really threw me for a loop. I was not in very good shape spiritually at the time and lost it for a few hours after it happened. But I had the same sense that something wasn't normal or right and my spiritual hackles were completely raised once again tonight.
          The L-rd has shown me I have come a ways since the first time that happened all those years ago. Never before in my life did I ever have someone behind me and think what I thought tonight. It was just weird.
          There are things that lie between heaven and earth that are not dreamt of in your philosophy Horatio. William Shakespeare and I am pretty sure that is from Hamlet.

Passover

          Well the time has finally come to talk about Jesus being the passover lamb. All though I have a Bible nearby I am not going to quote scripture and verse. I am just going to put the books down that the info I am giving out are in so that hopefully anyone who reads this will grab a Bible, go to the books I have mentioned and search for themselves and read even more.
          All through out the Bible beginning with the book of Genesis blood sacrifices are mentioned. I don't know why G-d requires them but I know He likes them and they are a major part of who He is. I know it has to do with the forgiveness of sins because it says so in the Bible.
          In the book of Exodus when G-d was going to send the last plague upon the Egyptians, which was the plague of the death of the first born, He told Moses to take hyysop which is a type of bush or weed and to kill a lamb and to dip the hyysop into the lambs blood and brush the doorposts of the jews homes with the blood so that He could see which homes had the blood on the doorposts and he would passover those homes and not kill the firstborn of the homes that had the blood on the doorposts. This last plague was the one that caused the Egyptians to let the hebrews leave Egypt for good and set out on the journey for the land which G-d had promised to Abraham and his descendants way back in the book of Genesis.
          The passover as it is called is something that G-d required the hebrews to celebrate every year so that they would never forget. It is still observed today every year as a remembrance.
          In old testament times G-d forgave the Jews sins with Lambs being sacrificed on the altar in the temple. In the book of Hebrews it says without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness for sin.
          Before I go any farther I would like to say that I don't have all the answers and probably never will as long as I am running around in this suit of flesh. I am putting this out here to the best of my knowledge because it is what I believer G-d wants me to do.
          In the book of John when Jesus comes to the area where John the Baptist is baptizing people as He also was baptized by him, at one point John speaks up and says "Behold the lamb of G-d who takes away the sin(s) of the world." Jesus was born for only one purpose, to be the lamb of G-d who takes away the sin(s) of the world. He was sacrificed on a Roman cross which was the most brutal form of death at the time. His blood spilled out freely on the ground and was shed for everyone both Jew and Gentile as this was part of G-d's plan from the beginning of time. This final sacrifice of Jesus satisfied G-d's wrath for sin, once and for all. We can now come to Him freely and without concern of His not hearing us any longer because of what Jesus did. However the only thing that He requires of us in order to come to Him so freely is to ask for His free gift of salvation through His son Jesus and His sacrifice on the cross. We will never be able to truly come to Him unless we do this. After this we must turn away from our old lifestyles and sin and live for Him. Paul says in 1st Corinthians, that we become bondservants and that our lives our no longer our own, but His to do with as He chooses. Paul says in Phillipians we are to work out our own salvation with fear and trembling. 
          Some people believe in the doctrine of once saved always saved and that you can still get to heaven even if you continue in your old lifestyle and habits, but this is simply not the case. Before you decide to get saved or ask for the free gift of salvation, you need to sit down and count the cost as to weather you are going to be able to or even want to work it through. There is a price to be paid, but in lieu of what Jesus did for us and the suffering He had to endure, it is a very small price to pay and especially for an eternity with Him and G-d the Father and the Holy Spirit, and for joy unspeakable. No more tears, or sadness, or sickness, or disease, or death. Just peace, and joy, and bliss. There is a verse in I believe it is 11Corinthians, might be 1st Corinthians, which says "Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, neither has entered into the heart of man the things which G-d has prepared for those that love Him.
          There is so much more to all of this I am only giving the basics as directed. It should be enough for basic understanding of sin and salvation and will hopefully stir up a persons curiosity to know more and investigate for themselves. The internet is full of websites to learn more and inquire about these things. There are also plenty of books and video tapes and audio for those who want to know more and I will write more as G-d directs me. Above all get a Bible that you can understand (I recommend the New King James version) and read it and read it and read it. Pray before you read it and ask G-d to give you wisdom as to what you are reading and to open your spiritual eyes to the truths He wants to show you. And He will. 

Hi

          Well here is to another successful Saturday under my belt. Good food and good walk time at the mall. I found a medallion at Ragstock with a lion in the middle of it. If people comment on it I am going to tell them that it represents the Lion of the tribe of Judah namely Yeshua(Jesus). It is a good witnessing tool. Subtle, yet can tell a story if needed. Chuck got his camo trousers shortened, and there was something in the air over at the mall today that was making both of us sneeze. They are going to remodel the first floor of the wing that Old Navy is on and they have already taken up the tiling floor. We were wondering if that might not be the cause, hmmmmm? We got all of our shopping done tonight so that we can both have a lazy late night tonight and a lazy day tomorrow as well. This also gives time to get a walk in tomorrow too.
          Anyway all my chores for this evening are finished and I don't have to think about anything that needs to be done till I get up whenever tomorrow. Happy sleep time to whomever may read this. Goodnight.

Hi

          I was reading over a surgeon's blog on blog's of note and realized that I do not have the gift of gab neither physically nor on proverbial paper plus I am a Jesus freak. No wonder no one really likes to read my blog. Its ok though because those who are meant to read will read it. God will direct them this way and if I help only one person by the things I have to say and they may get saved, then that is all that matters. To God and my own self I must be true.
          I am walking over to meet Chuck again today. I missed it yesterday. I like to get as much walking in during the week as I can and it has only been over there lately. I am hoping that I will want to get out more once the weather starts warming up. I actually did a little weight lifting last night and think I will tonight as well.
          I am looking forward to tomorrow and Saturday, they are my 2 most favorite days of the week. I dislike Sunday the most.
          I feel a discourse coming on soon talking about why Jesus is the "Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world" namely the passover sacrificed lamb. God has been laying this on my heart to present it in as clear and distinct manner as I possibly can. Most likely sometime next week because it will take a little bit to get verses together and to let Him tell me what He wants said. He is already doing that to a certain point now but I want to wait a few days to see if there is more than whats been going through my mind the last few days.
          Anyway talk at you later I gotta go.

Hi

          I just wanted to share some things that are on my mind.
          I walked over to Q yesterday to pick Chuck up and I got there a little earlier than usual. I saw M's boss R walking through the parking lot. He looked right at me and I knew that he knew it was me. Anyway I mentioned it to Chuck who started talking about M and what a nice guy he used to be and how chatty he used to be and how he just ignores him now and behaves snobby. I feel bad about this as well.
          I would like to mention here that I noticed a change in M ever since he was hired for a new department at Q. He went to a bike show that september 2007 and was a different person from the time he came back on. The moment I saw him after he had gotten back I knew something was different about him. He became less and less like his old self from that point on. He may be making more money in his new department but I have always sensed that the job isn't him. Its too bad people have to let themselves get inslaved to money and sell out who they are and what is really them, for money or whatever.
         I can't see myself ever doing something like that. It is too important for me to be me then to sell myself out for any job and or especially money. I loathe

 money. I would much rather be me any day then to have to sacrifice myself just for a job and money or anything like that. But people do it all the time and are miserable. How sad.
          M, my prayer for you is that you find yourself again someday and become committed to being you again no matter what. And that once you find yourself you will never sell yourself out again to anything or anyone ever again. I pray you get saved and sell yourself out to God and God alone. He is the only one worth selling out to.
          Well thats it for today.

Hi

          I am feeling very down tonight. I started out with a mission and a purpose today and feel like I got side tracked somewhere along the way. Wound up watching a few things on youtube that have really dragged me down. Too much icky stuff in one sitting has an effect on me. I need to remember this and limit the negative things I let into my mind. Input output what goes in is what comes out.
          Anyway just a little chatter before I move on to my next thing this evening.
See ya.

Hi

          I thought I would do something different today and put up a backround color as well.
          Good day today but we never did get our shopping done at Walmart and missed 1 trip around the 2nd floor at the MOA. We wound up eating at Mystic Lake Casino instead of Old Country Buffet. I am glad we did the food is always so good there. I had a great time at Savers. Found a cute little dress for Oceanna. Tried on a bunch of stuff but only bought one thing for myself. Chuck was the one who found the stuff over there today. More camo (what else?). I am trying to switch most of my summer shirts from shirts to blouses and I found another one to add to the collection today. I like blouses better.
          We never did get to the  movies, not enough time. The Mall was busy. There was some bike displays and stuff going on over there. We were expecting to see Q represented but no one from there was there that we saw anyway.
          For anyone who may read this I don't know about you but I am keeping an eye on the radiation that is blowing our way from Japan. Wow I feel so bad for those guys. As if it isn't bad enough to be hit with a earth quake and a sunami but to have to deal with this nuclear disaster as well. I wish one could get accurate information about this and not just the lies and chatter of the main stream media. You can't trust anything they tell you. It is all agenda driven. They speak only what they are told to speak. Chuck and I were listening to the radio at 9:00p.m. to catch the news and we noticed that not one word was spoken about the nuclear disaster in Japan today. This is because the media are being told to stear us away from that situation and get back to concentrating on Libya and so forth. The very idea that they are telling us that there is no threat from the radiation and that radiation is good for you just burns my cookies. Japans leaders aren't being honest with their citizens because they don't want people to panic. The U.S. leaders are lying about the radiation blowing our way saying we have nothing to worry about. This is pure hogwash. NO amount of radiation is good for you. NONE! Don't wait and see what happens. Prepare! and then even if it turns out to be much ado about nothing you will have what you need in case anything should ever happen. People have become so apathetic they won't move unless a stick of dynamite is placed under them, and then they don't take things seriously until it is too late. To be fore warned is to be fore armed.
          There now I have spoken my piece for another day and can sleep better tonight knowing that I have.

One before going to sleep.

          I know its been a few days, and I am going to have to keep this one on the shorter side because it is getting late and I need to get to bed.
          So tomorrow I turn 53. This seems strange to me. I never expected to make it to 20 and now in 2 years if I am still around, I will be eligible for senior citizen discounts. How funny is that? Well it won't be the most exciting birthday I have ever had. We are going to Old Country Buffett in Burnsville for lunch. This is my final choice after going round and round with lots of choices. Chuck wants to stop at Gander Mountain to buy a pair of what else, camoflage or (however you spell it) pants. He also wants to go to Staples for some kind of card on sale. I want to go to Saver's and it will probably be the one in Apple Valley. From there we are going to the MOA for some laps. I wanted to take a movie in at first but I don't think there will be time for that and everything else. Its ok Im cool with that. So really what tomorrow boils down to is doing most of our usual Saturday stuff on Friday. Last Saturday I didn't even want to go out, all I wanted to do was sleep and I did until almost 4:00 in the afternoon. I enjoyed every minute of it too. It was fun to have a long lazy weekend for a change.
          I can't decide weather I want to get our Walmart shopping done earlier or later tomorrow I am leaning towards earlier just to get it over with.
          I was thinking that Savers would be fun because we are going home to Wisconsin to visit for Easter and I thought maybe I might find some little outfits for my neices baby girl. She is turning a year old right around then. Her name is Oceanna. What a pretty name.
          People used to tell me my name was pretty when I was a little girl but I hated my name back then and couldn't figure out why anyone would think Tammy was a pretty name. It was just a reflection of how I felt about myself. Now I like my name and wouldn't want to be called anything else.
          Anyway I am just rambling here. Something that is so amazing to me is how I can go from feeling comfortable to cold body temperature wise, to being roasting hot and breaking out into a sweat on my forhead and face in just a matter of seconds. Which leads me to, I bought a new product to try for menopause thats supposed ease up on all menopausal symptoms. This stuff has helped 85% of the women who have tried it supposedly, so I will wait and see. Otherwise this summer could be very uncomfortable and I have been having enough problems this winter.
          So anyway thats it for now. Maybe I will report back in tomorrow to say how our day went. Till then.

Back again

          I saved something I started writing a couple of days ago but I can't find what happened to it.  Anyway what I was saying the other day is that I feel much more refreshed now and am ready to get back to work here.
          Everytime someone says or does something to us we have choices to make as to how we will respond back.
          I have discovered that responding back in a negative or vengeful way is counter pro-ductive. Thats not to say that I still don't do it at times, but I don't want to or like to anymore. It serves no purpose at all. People that do that kind of stuff are ugly inside. They are angry, bitter and in general unhappy. This was me for a long time. I had a very sarcastic mouthy attitude at  just about everything and everyone.
          There are no gaurentees in this life that everything will go our way or that it is even supposed to go our way.
          People do not like to give much stock in the story of Adam and Eve (Adam by the way is the Hebrew word for man and Eve means mother of all living.) However the truth of the matter is that when Eve disobeyed G-d and ate of the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil is when all of our problems with things going our way and bad things happening, began.
          If you aren't saved then you have no hope in G-d and if you have no hope in G-d then I can understand why choosing good reponses to things said or done, or bad responses wouldn't matter.
          The truth is that we are spiritual beings and that there is a war going on in the spirit world for our spirits. Satan (which is the Hebrew word for adversary) is very much alive and well. He hates us and wants to take as many of us as possible down to hell with him. Even though we can't see into the spirit world does not mean that it doesn't exsist. The reason Satan hates us so much is because we are G-d's creation and Satan hates G-d and anything and everything to do with Him.
          I read a book and saw a video by a surgeon whose name is Dr. Maurice Rawlings. He wrote the book because he said he noticed that there was much talk and written about peoples near death encounters that were only positive and that he being a surgeon saw many negative encounters as well but that nothing was ever mentioned about them. He had people dying on the operating table for a few minutes and being brought back to life and begging to not be sent back down to that awful place again. Check it out for yourself, do a google search on Dr. Maurice Rawlings. The name of the book and video is called "To Hell and Back".
          Hell is as real as Heaven is. Whenever I hear of a volcano erupting I usually say or think or both, "hell is belching". Thats what the lava is, a little taste of whats in hell. The Bible says that hell is in the middle of the earth and just as I have read many encounters of people going to heaven, I have read many encounters of people going to hell as well. And no, you will not be partying with your friends down there. It is a place of isolation and desperation and pain and sorrow and horror. It is a place of burning from head to toe and feeling every bit of it. It is a place of worms crawling all over you and you feeling them in and out of you. Whatever your vice was in this life is what you will be punished with over and over and over for ever and ever and ever. Some people can't wrap their minds around such an awful place and that thats where you will be if you dont get saved. But G-d's word is true and faithful and Jesus talked about hell more then anyone else ever did.
          I will explain these things in more detail as I go along here. They are things that need to be said. G-d is very serious about what He says and is not to be trifled with.

Hi

          This may be the last time I write in here for awhile. The depression is just to much to deal with lately even with the anti-depressants. I can't seem to keep up with even the smallest things lately. I don't think I will be missed anyway so I will only blog when I truly have something to say.
          I urge anyone who may read this blog to get your spiritual lives in order and get saved. Time is getting shorter and shorter to make eternal decisions. Even so you could walk out of your home or across the street or anywhere for that matter tonight or tomorrow and be struck down and killed. Do you know where you would go from then? It isn't something to mess with.
Read John 3:16-17. And God speed to you.

Back

          Not feeling so well the last couple of days. I have been doing a lot of sleeping. I am hoping to get back into walking next week then. By the time I get up this week the day is just about gone.
          Tomorrow Chuck and I are going to eat at Fogo De Chao. They have a special going on where you can have all the food you can eat for $30.00 per person instead of the usual $50.00 per person. This was Chuck's idea because he likes all the meat you can get. I just enjoy all of it. Everything is so good and the wait staff are so nice. Chuck is getting done with work at 5 and then we are driving over to the MOA and from there taking the light rail downtown. It will be nice to be doing something different and I always enjoy a trip downtown, one of my favorite places to hang. Downtown St Paul is even better. I can't wait until they have the light rail going over there as well.
          I have been feeling lonely lately. I can't wait until I am released from this eddy and can get back into life again. The depression hits me at the oddest times.
Like right now, just before heading off to bed.
          I want to live life to the fullest if I can and enjoy every moment I can until life changes forever. It is weird how the smallest things can make me feel so over
whelmed sometimes. Lately I have been feeling like a helpless little baby. It is all I can do to get my daily chores done.
          Anyway I pray everyone who might read this has a great night and a great day tomorrow.
          Sorry if I offended anyone over at Box of feelings just for you. I was teasing and kidding when I wrote what I wrote.    Later.

Wow

          I cannot understand why I am constantly signed out of places. I had to make up a whole new password just to sign into my google account so I could get in here and write. I am doing a slow burn right now because this continuously happens to me. And I still haven't heard from Box of Feelings Just For You even though I resubscribed to them. Grrrrrrr.
          Yesterday I didn't feel good so I wasn't on the computer much. That is the way to tell if I am really sick or not. By how much I want to be on the computer. So I slept and then read the book about the little boy that went to heaven. It was so good, I read the book in one sitting. It is called, Heaven is Real. Really good reading. I thought about it every time I woke up last night.
          I said this was the week I would get back to walking in the halls but I have yet to get out there. Maybe tomorrow. Chuck came home from work after half of his shift and I had just woken up, and this day has been extremely laid back and lazy for most of it.
          Tomorrow they start putting a new roof on our building and they are going to be working from 7:00 a.m. till dark. I expect to be in for a lot of banging and stuff for the next couple of days before they finish our roof and move unto the next building.
          I also expect to walk over and meet Chuck at work tomorrow and to walk home with him.
          Not much else going on around here so I think I will finish up for tonight and come back in again tomorrow.  Later.

Me again

          Finally back on here again. Lets see. I have the kitchen cleaned up, the humidifier jugs are filled and it is running once again. We ate our left over pieces of pizza and had our little deserts. Groceries and everything else has been put away. I won my daily game of moo shu tiles, and I have the articles on AOL read that I wanted to read. It is going on 1:00 and my time is my own.
          Chuck is in the lazy boy snoozing and Maverick is out in the living room snoozing.
          I have decided that my little vacation from walking the halls is officially over. We walked 6 miles today and I should get one more in before going to bed. I'll see about that in a while.
          Some days people get on my nerves more then other days. Today was one of those days. We went to IKEA after eating lunch to buy some new curtains for our room. The old curtains in this room are getting thread bare they are so old. Normally I enjoy going to IKEA, it is such a cool place. But today it was so busy there that it started to get on my nerves. Because it started to get on my nerves it started to get on Chuck's nerves as well.  He sensed the stress I was feeling. I dislike shopping when there are 5 other people around crowding you out and not moving so you can look at things too. You wind up standing around waiting for them to move on. They take their time and fart around and act like you aren't standing there waiting for them to move and let you in. Very annoying.
          However I do like the curtains we picked out. They are kind of a light beige color with green leaves and cherries on them. I was drawn to them right away because I am drawn to bright colors and patterns. They will need to be shortened but that shouldn't be a problem to figure out and then we will take them to that stitch it place at the MOA and have them do it. I don't trust myself to do it well because they have a liner on the inside of them. I don't want to muck them up. Personally I think they are going to look great in here. I have plants on the hutch of the computer desk to begin with and they should look great with the two together.
          The MOA was as busy today as it gets at Xmas. We had a hard time finding a place to park. I tolerated the crowds there quite well being as I wasn't in any mood for them. We found a new comforter for less than $25.00 with tax. I picked up my new contact lenses and am set for another 3 yrs hopefully if my eye sight doesn't change to drastically.
          If you like to watch people, and I do, then the MOA is one of the best places to go. You can learn a lot about people by watching them.
          I don't have much more to say today as my brain feels like its been filled with giant balls of cotton, an effect I feel when I don't get as much sleep as I should. I don't think I am going to make it up till 4:00 tonight as I am just too tired.
          Anyway have a great rest of your night if there is anyone who reads this, and maybe I will add some more tomorrow.  Later

Hi

          Just a quick entry before bedtime. I tell you that box of feelings just for you puzzles me. First I get an invitation to join them and I think why not, then I start getting emails from them but cannot post on the things they send me so that it shows underneath in the post comment box, so I unsubscribe. And they unsubscribe me but most reluctantly. Then I find I am still connected to them anyway which doesn't bother me so I decide to subscribe again, and now Im not really getting anything from them. This site is so filled with mystery to me. While I was getting emails from them it was from somebody named mind fucked, but sometimes rock hunk and somebody named Paradeep. Now there is someone named devils love out there. Yuck, by the way on some of these peoples names. So what is up with these guys? Is this site run by a bunch of multiple personalities or something? Maybe mindfucked comes on every now and then but then their personality changes to rock hunk and then when rock hunk leaves paradeep steps in to take their place and lastly devils love pops in now and then to say hi and spew forth some poetry.
          Anyway I just read an article about youtube showing video's of teens cutting themselves and that this is an alarming new trend. I happen to agree with that as I am a former cutter myself. Why would anyone want to show videos of people doing self mutilation? To show how its done maybe? Hmmmm why would anyone want to show others how its done. It is sick and twisted.
          I used to have depression so deep and so intense when I was a teen that I wanted to feel something other then the pain of it, so I would cut myself because it felt better in a sick and twisted way to feel a different kind of pain for awhile.
          My girl friend Sandy would burn herself with matches.
          After I became a Christian and started reading my Bible I discovered that people who were demon possessed would do that to themselves. It made me shudder when I read that the first time and realized it had been what I was doing.
          Well thats it for now, heading off to bed for the night and tomorrow is Chuck and my date day. Its going to be chilly out so I know we will wind up walking at the MOA. The business and the buy, buy, buy will be up and running.
          Maybe I will right somemore tomorrow night. Later.

Finally

          Well I finally made it in here. One thing Box of feelings just for you has done for me and that is to spur me on to write in here more often. Its not like I have much else to do with my time anyway.
          I am curious to know how many people really know what love is. I Corinthians chapter 13 is called the love chapter. And it is what true love is. Love is a verb (action word) it is something you do not something you say necessarily. And it certainly isn't having funny feelings towards someone because it isn't a  feeling at all. Its a word that gets a lot of abuse. For instance when someone says oh I love pizza, or I love that shirt or those shoes. Just a little food for thought.
          I read an article today about how girls develop body images weather healthy or poor. Sorry but this goes back to Dad's again first and foremost.
          My Dad was constantly critizing the way I looked, the way I talked, the way I walked. All I wanted was to be loved and accepted for who I am and all I ever felt was rejected for who I am by him. My Dad made several promises to me over my life which he didn't keep and although I have forgiven him for these things, I have never forgotten. I can still remember the 2 incidents that happened that started to make me lose respect for him and up until that time my Dad had been one of my heros. I was confused by how he treated me but loved him anyway. As I started to grow up that started changing.
          It may sound like all I do is pick on my Dad but the thing is, is that Dads are so crucial to how a girl views themselves, their lives, what boyfriends/husbands they choose etc. I don't grieve that my Dad is dead. I really haven't missed him. What I grieve over is how things could have or might have been with him. The Bible says that G-d will be a Father to the Fatherless and I have found that to be true in my own life even before my Dad died. Once I realized the unhealthiness that was my parents and my family and decided to break away from that, is when G-d Himself started reteaching me and retraining my thoughts. Everything started to change starting at that point in time.  First my wrong thought patterns and general negativeness, then how I viewed myself. Being aquaintance raped screwed me up pretty bad but as I sensed I was starting to heal I went to a Physcologist to have this confirmed by a professional. And she confirmed it indeed. She was the one who told me I didn't need to hide behind the weight anymore. Up until that point it had been a security blanket for me. It wasn't until 3yrs. after seeing her that everything came together in order for me to start losing the weight. I may have put on a few lbs. because I stopped walking so faithfully for now but I have no intentions of ever hiding behind weight and getting fat again. Whom the L-rd sets free, is free indeed.
          Food is just another drug that people use to escape things. It is another addiction. I have learned a thing or 2 about cravings for certain foods and eating healthy in general since my weight loss and even before and during it. However there is coming a time when it is going to become harder and harder to eat healthy. So then it will be a matter of portion control when eating the food that will be available. Again I say make sure you stock up on staples. Keep your cupboard shelves and pantry shelves full. Floor, sugar, dried fruits like raisins, cornmeal, oatmeal, rice and so on. Make sure you have plenty of water on hand as well. Chuck and I are buying jugs of it and putting it down in our storage room. Distilled is the best kind. Gas is going to be going up to 5 dollars a gallon very shortly and although there will be food at the grocery store, it is going to be so high priced because of inflation that no one will be able to afford to buy much of it if any of it. This is coming down the pike very shortly believe me or not. You of course can also take a wait and see attitude that is up to you. But it doesn't hurt to be stocked up on food anyway cause you never know when you might need it. This includes personal care items as well.
          Boy I sure can swing from one topic to another quickly. I am just writing what is on my mind.
          Yesterday on the way over to meet Chuck, I fell onto Bush Lake Rd. by trying to get through some deep snow to get to the street. My knees are sore and bruised and my wrist hurts a little bit. Who knows maybe its affected my brain as well. I doubt it though.
          Today I went over to pick him up by 1:30. He got done with work earlier. It was weird to be walking in the daylight.
          Anyway thats it for now. Talk to you again later.

Hi

          My heart and my spirit cry out for G-d, He is all I want to know. Life is meaningless without Him.
          I am feeling down today. My antidepressants aren't a cure all they just make it not as bad as it would be. I have tried to get off of them but the withdrawel is awful. Some day I know the L-rd will deliver me from all of this. I look for and wait for that day.
          I found something that is a natural sleep aid. I read about it on Naturalnews.com. It is called Melatonin. I tried it last night and slept really good compared to what I have been. I gave one to Chuck too and he said he slept good as well. I wasn't bothered by restless leg syndrome like I usually am, it was great.
          Whoever sent me those tutorials on videos and pictures and stuff, thank you. Maybe someday I will get around to that portion of this program and I saved the tutorial on the pics and vids, but for right now I am into writing.
          I have decided to walk over and meet Chuck tonight even if it means having to walk on Bush Lake Rd. itself. I have been sitting on my fat butt since last Friday and I really need to get out and walk. I am supposing that I will pick up walking in the halls again at some point in time but this sabatical for lack of a better word from it has felt good. I know I need to get back at it again sooner rather then later as I have noticed my stretched out tummy skin looking a little bigger then it usually does. Sorry but we don't have $4000. + dollars sitting around for a tummy tuck and I can't say I would actually do anything that vein even if we did. My saggy skin is what it is and I knew it would come when I made the decision to try to start losing weight in the first place. I could really care less about what anyone thinks about it either.
          Well I guess thats enough for now. I will come back in and write more later if I can think of anything else I want to say. Bye for now.

Nameless

          I have been watching the wind pick up and blow the snow off the tree branches. One of the pine trees I can see outside the balcony door looks bent over at the top because of so much snow weighing it down.
          And now unto other things. If you really want to get a good concept of how humans act watch a cat. They are good demonstraters. Chuck bought a new bag of cat food for Maverick last night and when I woke up this morning he had knocked it over on the floor and chewed a hole in the bag because he wanted it more then the other food that was left in his dish. I taped up the hole in the bag so the food doesn't go stale. Yesterday Maverick couldn't spend enough time with me and today he is totally ignoring me. All in a day in the life of a cat.
          The Lord has been impressing me the last few days not only about the things I say, but about the thoughts I think as well. The Bible says that once we get saved, we are then continuously engaged in spiritual warfare with our adversary(Satan).
This never lets up until the day our bodies die. Paul calls it wrestling which by the way is the only constant contact sport. See Ephesians chapter 6. This is why Paul says we need to take negative, evil thoughts captive. See II Chorinthians chapter 10. It is also why David asks the Lord in the Psalms to "Set a watch upon my mouth O Lord". These are things that cannot be accomplished on our own. We need the help of the Holy Spirit or Ruach Ha Kodesh as it is pronounced in Hebrew. There are other verses where Paul mentions these things but I can't think of where they are right now. Phillipians I think is one spot. Anyway my prayer is that the Lord will help me to accomplish this. Your mind needs to be renewed and transformed. I think its like how G-d deprogrammed me from rock music. It was gradual but sure.
          I remember going up for prayer once at a church service Chuck and I had attended one evening back home. The pastor laid his hands on me and started to pray and said "Romans 12 verses 1 and 2 are going to become very important to you in this next year. He was off by a couple of years but otherwise right on. Romans 12 verses 1 and 2 talks about being transformed by the renewing of your mind. G-d started to work on this with me when I got into my 40's as I have mentioned before. I pray He never stops.
          And now on another note, there are some tough times coming up just ahead and all I will say is make sure you have plenty of water and that your cupboards and pantry shelves are well stocked with staples. We will be needing these things in the very near future. If you want to just think I am a kook thats fine but if times should become tough as I am warning you will no one to blame but yourselves. I just am being the watchman on the wall.

Its me

          Well here I am again. Still watching it snow. And it is still beautiful. I decided not to walk over to meet Chuck today. I want to wait till it is a little more plowed out around the area before I go trudging.
          I had my 3 mugs of coffee and am now into the peeing portion of my day.
          The computer has been acting real squirrely for the last couple of days now and it gets frustrating at times.
          I was reading this devotional on discouragement today. I think it is one of the biggest poisons the devil and his demons use against us. It can start as early as our toddler years at least it did for me. Up until about the last 25yrs or so I was afraid to try new things for fear of failing at them. This goes back to at least kindergarten for me. I have my report card from kindergarten and when I first started the school year, the teacher wrote in it, "Tammy is afraid to try new things for fear of failing at them." I feel quite certain this was because of both my Mom and Dad but especially Dad. Poor Dad he keeps getting fingers pointed at him. The only things he would encourage me to try were things he thought I should be doing. There was only suffocation with that and no real room for growth. I remember in 3rd grade coming home one day and announcing that I wanted to be a teacher when I grew up and my Dad pounced on that and said something like, why would you want to do that for, I have always thought you should be a nurse. Once I realized that Dad wasn't interested in what I might want to do, I never mentioned anything again.
          He would push nursing on me periodically throughout the years and I had no interest in being a nurse whatsoever. He didn't get it. My Dad never really knew me and he didn't want to because he had his own ideas of what I should be. I wasn't that person at all.
          When I was in high school it was a cross between being a forest ranger and a  interior decorator. Too bad that they couldn't have been combined.
          When I was sent to Goodwill they gave me a bunch of interest and apttitude tests and because I was so messed up at the time the computer suggested I be either a brick layer or an airplane mechanic. I am surprised my answers to all those questions didn't give the computer a nervous breakdown because I was so confused. I thought that was funny at the time and I still think its funny but also sad.
          It wasn't until I was almost 30 that I finally realized what I wanted to be and do with my life was to be an artist. But then there is reality. Oh well I can dream can't I. And all of that to say this. It is so important to be encouraging to people and your loved ones especially. Perhaps if I had, had just one person to encourage me in my life when I was younger I may have turned out to be a completely different person. It took me 40+ yrs to start to believe in myself and feel good about me. What a waste of life. I know for certain that if I had not gotten saved all those yrs ago I would have long gone and been dead. Chuck for that matter too. I told him about the Lord and salvation and then he got saved and it changed his life as well. It is the best decision a person can ever make for themselves. Nothing and I mean absolutely nothing will ever top it.
          It is too bad that so many of us have to make a total utter mess out of our lives before we make the decision to get saved. On the other hand these are the kind of people the Lord sought out while He had His ministry here on earth. It reminds me of an old Bill Gaither Trio song. "Something beautiful, something good, all my confusion He understood. All I had to offer Him was brokeness and strife and He made something beautiful out of my life." The Lord accepts and loves us right where we are at. We can be ourselves with Him. He sets us free. He will always encourage us no matter what is going on in our lives. He is for us and not against us. Sometimes it doesn't seem this way, but that is where faith in Him comes in. So much of my life seems like I have been groping my way through a long dark tunnel with only a pinpoint of light wayyyy up ahead to follow. But the Lord has shown me that He is right there walking beside me even when it feels like I am all alone. Feelings aren't facts. Feelings are just that feelings and they can be as wrong as the day is long. They are unreliable. And with that I am ending this discourse.

No name

          I have been sitting here watching the snow fall for the last several hours. It is so beautiful. I love it when the snow sticks to the branches of the trees. Everything looks so pure and white and clean outside.
          I have not been sleeping very well since I started my menopause and last night as I was trying to fall asleep I was thinking of all the things I could write about in here today. Now of course I can't think of any of them. Isn't that just the way it goes.
          Chuck ordered this book last night about a little boy who died on the operating table or at least at the hospital and how he visited heaven and the things he saw and experienced while there. He watched the video about it and then sent it to me. It coincides with other peoples experiences I have read about or seen who visited heaven as well. I can't wait to read the book. I love reading about heaven and Yaweh God and Yeshua and all the things going on in heaven. It makes so want to be there myself. I should add he was sent back to earth to tell his story. It sounds quite awesome.
          Well I can't think of anything else to write right now so I am going to end this and come back in later if I think of anything else. Chuck is snoozing in the lazy boy and Maverick is under the stuff filled day bed snoozing and I am tempted to join them and take a snooze in this office chair. Later. 
         

Hi

          I am feeling a little bit down today. I guess its because of Frostbike and the sad memories that go along with it.
          After all this time I am still trying to figure out why M felt he needed to do what he did. I think he would have been a fun person to know. Emotions get in our way sometimes and cloud issues and make us do and or say things we wouldn't otherwise. I genuinely cared about him and was working through my Dad issues I was having about him.
          All that has been put on hold now again for the last couple of years as I go round and round in this eddy I have been stuck in.
          I believe that M has been deeply wounded in his spirit like I have been. First there has to come an awareness that you've been wounded and then there has to be a genuine desire to be healed. It can be a series of events that happened or one huge gigantic event that caused it. For me it was a series. God is the only one who can really truly heal these kinds of things and He doesn't heal the same way every time. Because everyone is different, only He knows what is the best way for each person to be healed and who to use for each situation and person. Healings may come all at once or take several years. We need to decide to trust Him to do things in the way that He chooses. He knows us better than we know ourselves after all.
          M, if there is ever a chance that you may stumble across this blog just know I hold no ill will toward you. Yes I was hurt and disappointed but as I have grown older and had the healing in me that God has given me, I understand human nature a little better then I used to and realize that no one is perfect. All I can say is if you want healing, it is there for you. Go to God, talk to Him, You can tell Him anything, He already knows it anyway. He loves you and your salvation is whats most important to Him. You don't have to be fakey or phoney, be real. Although I am sad I felt the need to walk away from my job perhaps it was for the best. Take care.
          Signed me, someone who cares.

Me again

          I would seriously like to know why I am continuously signed out of places. I don't mind that I am still a part of Box of feelings just for you but I don't like being signed out of there all the time. When I want to be signed out I will sign myself out thank you very much.
          Anyway I am trying to decide weather I want to go over and meet Chuck and walk home with him this evening or not. I know that that awful Frostbike starts today and am concerned about the bad memories it may bring up, but I'd like to get the exercise in too.
          I am feeling excedingly lazy today and decided to postpone my shower till tomorrow. I am sure no one could care less and know that Chuck doesn't, so my reasoning is why should I. In fact if I do walk over I think I will leave on my lounge pants and not change into my jeans because they are warmer. I am sure no one will mind the polar bears anyhow. I may get odd looks but I get those anyway so there is nothing new here.
          I found a few nice things at Savers yesterday. A pair of like new sneakers I will use for walking. They were only 8 dollars and looked like they had only been worn once. Ahhh I love a good deal.
          My prayer for Q and Frostbike is that it turns out to be everything they want it to be and more. I harbor no ill will to what Frostbike is and the purpose behind it. I know for myself if I had ever gotten my cosmetologists license I would look forward to conventions and shows. I still love to watch video's on line about what is the newest and hottest thing for hair. Seminars on bicycles would be extremely boring to me. I like to ride a bike but am not fanatical about it as I am sure someone who enjoys a seminar on bikes would probably not enjoy a seminar on the latest hair cutting and hair coloring techniques.
          I love owning a Fromm sissors but wouldn't take it to bed with me. Some of those people at Q live their bikes. Breathe sleep and eat them. I have to commend them for their passion, to bad it can't be redirected toward G-d as He is the only thing really worth being passionate about. Very top of the list anyway.
          Well I have decided I have done enough blathering for now. I will talk at you later if I feel like it.

Aha

          I was just looking through some of the other blogs on box of feelings just for you. It seems as though most people communicate by pictures. Im sorry but I am not into anything as elaborate as that. For me its just write, write, write, and tell, tell, tell.
          So we never did make it to one of the lakes to take our walk today. It was back to the MOA but one thing I must say and that is that I had forgotten how much nicer it is there during the week then on Saturdays. Not a bad time at all today.
          Last night I told my husband that if I die earlier then expected I want to be cremated and I want everyone to have lunch at Old Country Buffett. It is my favorite place to go. If they had Golden Correls here it would be there but they don't so its OCB. That is next to IHOP which is positively my most favorite place to eat in the whole world even more then Fogo de Chao which costs $50.00 per person but is worth every penny.
          However on a little bit different note, I just read an article saying that there is supposed to be a major world food shortage by this April and that Obama is getting troops ready for the massive rioting that is expected. So unless I die before April or the article was bogus no one will be able to eat at OCB. Time will tell for both of these events.
          This is something I have only been reading about recently in the last 2 to 3 yrs. or so. The other thing I have read and heard is that there will be food on the shelves but no one will be able to afford it because of sky rocketing inflation. In either case we shall see. I am certain it will be one or the other.
          Well I hope whoever reads this had a good day today and has a great one tomorrow. As for me I hear sleep calling me softly and gently. The arthritis in my neck and shoulder(s) has been bothering me nearly all week. I took some naproxin for it tonight so I expect to sleep well and have it not bother me tomorrow.
          Stompy was home last night though and the cigarette cravings and the coughing have been bothering me today. Hopefully he isn't up there tonight.
         Tell next time.........

Hi

It is so nice to have some warmer weather again. I have been able to walk over and meet Chuck for the last 3 nights now. I love the smell of the air when the snow starts to melt. I heard an owl hooting as I was entering Q's parking lot. I know it is still February but I have been so enjoying this little taste of spring.
          I read an article about SAD today, you know that seasonal disorder, and I had every single one of the symptoms mentioned. I knew I had some of them but was surprised to find I had all of them.
          Chuck has tomorrow off because he has to work all 3 days of Frostbike this year. I am looking forward to this. It is supposed to get near 50 and maybe we will be able to take a walk around one of the lakes. I get tired of the MOA. I dislike the buy, buy, buy atmosphere over there it gets old.
          A friend of mine that lived in my building got evicted from her apartment yesterday. I was glad to hear she was finally moving on. She was harrassed here almost from the time she moved in till the day she moved out all because of one woman who was a major control freak and didn't like my friends dog. It was one thing after another. This woman was a known trouble maker. She moved out in December because she couldn't get her way and have my friend removed. I pray my friend never has to go through what she went through living here, again. No need to go into all the gorry details just suffice it to say that I have never seen Murphy's law at work in anyones life like it was in my friends both mentally and physically. I pray she can at last be at peace in her new home. No one deserves to go through what she went through.
          Anyway thats all for this entry.

Hi

I have been having some bouts of depression again the last few days. Hopefully this will change in the next few days as the weather starts to warm up and I am able to start walking over to meet Chuck again. I bought a pair of rain boots (black with different colored dots and umbrellas all over them and a liner too) to wear when it starts to melt outside. Once it is warm enough to start walking again and it gets slushy with huge puddles, I want nothing to stop me or get in my way of walking. I have gained a few pounds from not being faithful with my walking these last 4 wks. Kind of disheartening. I think I may have burnt myself out with the halls for it has come down to feeling like I am going to gag almost every time I think about facing those halls again. The last couple of weeks all I have done is empty the trash a couple times during the week, and when I go out there I am reminded of how much I don't miss it. I have become a hermit of sorts which I can have a tendency to do. I am a very introverted person by nature. I have learned to be socialable from the jobs I have had but I prefer solitude more then anything else.
          I took a rohrshach test on line once and it said my most dominant quality was peacefulness. I have a tendency to agree, this is very true. At the same time I have enormous amounts of anxiety but have learned to mask it.  I have been an anxious person ever since I can remember in fact I probably wouldn't know what to do with myself if I never felt any anxiety again it is that deeply ingrained in me. On the other hand my cat loves to sit on my lap while I am at the computer and would for hours if I were to let him, because of my peacefulness. Unfortunately for him my leg gets sore or I have to go potty or both or something else. Bad for him good for me. It is hard to type with a cat on your lap.
          On another note, my husband ordered me a 2lb. box of Oak's chocolates from Oshkosh Wis. where I am from. They are home made and hand dipped and everything and are by far the best chocolates I have ever tasted. I got them today along with my boots. He said he ordered all my favorites and some of his as well. He loves the meltaways which are by far some of their best, but I love the ones dipped in chocolate and then rolled in crushed nuts both vanilla and chocolate filled. I love those 2 kinds without nuts as well. Haystacks, english toffee, mmmm. What a treat this will be for both of us.
          Anyway this enough blathering for awhile and I have some chores to do before he gets home. Talk to you again later maybe.

Dance with me

          I just finished listening to some songs by Paul Wilbur. Dance with me oh lover of my soul is one of my favorites and I usually start to cry when I hear it. In the live concert version, there is a lady in a white dress that dances around on the stage and I always associate myself with her.
          There was a time in my life that I was so bound up with yucky stuff that I was a prisoner in chains. The L-rd gave Chuck a vision of this. He saw me in a prison cell but the door was open. They were chains of my own making. Chuck then said he saw me get up and walk out of the prison cell and the chains came off and I was eventually dancing before the L-rd. This is exactly what has happened to me in my life. My healing has been slow but steady and sure. And I have a ways to go with it yet. Sometimes it feels like 3 steps forward 2 steps back but the point is a little bit of progress is better then no progress at all and lately as I have mentioned before I feel stuck in an eddy in all areas of my life. But G-d is good and faithful and I know He is still working in my life and on me personally and I will be out of this eddy and back on track whenever the time is right. I have learned that timing is everything when it comes to a person's life.
          I remember one time when we were still living in Oshkosh that I was walking over to the Chiropractors (sp?). It was winter and as I was walking by the Jackson St. athletic field. I was looking at this big tree that is on the sideline and for some reason I was thinking to myself, I wonder if this is kind of like the sycamore tree that Zaccheaus had to climb in order to get a better view of Jesus? And the L-rd spoke to me and said "You are like Zaccheaus to me". And I just knew He was smiling as He was saying this and I started to cry once again. Not sobbing just tears coming to my eyes.
          I had this dream once that I was in what is my version of the most wonderful mall in the world (like the moa only better). I was alone and totally enjoying myself with window shopping and all the sights and sounds when suddenly I came across this store area only there wasn't a store in there instead it was a room with a wall at the back that was made out of like stones and there was a small waterfall coming out of the stones and into a pond surrounded by more of the stones at the bottom of the wall. The floor was concrete and where I was walking by it was all floor to ceiling windows with a glass door in the middle. Closer to the area where I was there was a group of children hanging around someone sitting in a folding chair. They were sitting and standing and laughing and playing. Anyway I looked and said to myself , that looks like Jesus hmmm I wonder if it is and if it is will He notice me? Just as I was thinking this He looked up at me and ours eyes met. I kept walking on past the area but we kept looking at each other. Then I woke up. It is so long ago since I had this dream I am trying to remember more things about it. The parents of these children were standing around watching all this take place including people who were peering in from where I was. I wanted to go in and join them but was afraid to because my heart was unsure. Would I be accepted because I wasn't a kid?, Was that truly Jesus? and so on. Anyway I had the same dream again a short time later and at the time thought they were the best dreams I had ever had. Since then I have had a couple more dreams that are right up there with these 2 and will share them at another time.
          Whenever I hear my favorite songs by Paul Wilbur I can't help but start praising the L-rd, it is an automatic response. Today I wanted to put on our prayer shawl and get on my knees before the throne. I got out the prayer shawl to wash it and the next time I listen to Paul Wilbur I will put it on and cover my head with it and worship.
          If you get saved, don't expect your life to be totally together all at once. It doesn't happen that way. The Bible says we are supposed to work out our salvation with fear and trembling, neither of which I did for years and I still lose the fear and trembling sometimes but it is a hearts desire of mine to have it.
          I have much anger that needs to be dealt with yet but again I know that G-d is faithful and is working on me and will continue to. The anger used to come out in my dreams. I used to be amazed that I would have such violent dreams (killing and maiming and so forth, one time I dreamed I killed a person by breaking every bone in their bodies. I woke up screaming from that one.) I have only had dreams like that once or twice in the last 6 years now. I am just glad anger like that comes out in my dreams and nowhere else. I don't feel so bad though because even Chuck has mentioned having dreams like these. It is our sub concious mind dealing with our anger in a healthy way and I would much rather have it come out in dreams then in reality. In reality the idea of killing or maiming is abhorent to me except for wanting to punch someone in the nose now and then and I have to be really stirred up to want to do that. I have my little soap box issues like we all do, politics and stuff like that but I don't feel like slapping people around just because they don't agree with me.
          So anyway now that I have totally gotten off the beaten track with what I was talking about I think I am all talked out for another session. Talk again maybe tomorrow.

More on what I was talking about the other night.

          I just read over what I wrote the other night. It sounds somewhat discombobulated and I am sorry for that. I think it was because everything was spilling out of me so fast.
          I have to admit that I still get upset over what happened every now and then. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of it at least once, and the unfairness of it all.
          I remember thinking to myself that Tuesday night, "Hmmm the Bible says that all things work together for good to those who love G-d, to those who are the called according to His purposes, Romans 8 verse 28. What good is going to come out of all this?" I have to say the jury is still out on that one but I do trust G-d that I will be able to heal from this and come to peace about it some day.
          A few summers ago the L-rd was teaching me about the ripple effect. The ripple effect is as follows. If you throw a pebble into a pool of still water what happens to the water. (I used to do this when I lived at the lake.) A little ripple forms and goes out further and further and further until it disappears. The L-rd showed me that this is what we do with our own lives and namely other peoples lives as well. It can be something we either do, or say. or both. It can cause either good, positive, constructive, healing ripples (or results), or negative, destructive, hurtful, painful results. And it was from that illustration this He started to train me in what were the ways and thoughts of love and what weren't. I still have much learning to do in this area because of a lifetime of wrong thinking.
          I would like to point a few things out here about that particular experience.  I could have raised a stink over it if I had wanted to but both Chuck and I felt the L-rd wanted us to remain silent.
          #1. It says in the videos we had to watch about sexual harrassment that you should talk to someone if you are feeling uncomfortable about anything someone may be doing or saying to you to make you feel uncomfortable. I would like to point out right here and now that M never did. Also I pinched S in the cheek once telling him he was so darn cute that he needed a girl friend. By the way I am old enough to be S's mother and meant it in that way. Anyway S never complained about it and when I asked him about it he said it didn't bother him one way or the other.
          #2. M's friend who works in HR and whom he is really close too knew about my notes and candy all along and never said one word to me or anyone else about them.
          #3. I always signed my notes "Signed me", so that I could not be implicated in any way.
          #4. No one ever came and asked me or talked to be about these things before hand to hear the whole story.
          #5. Where were M, T, and S at my meeting with HR since this concerned them as well.
          #6. Have I mentioned yet that my boss never even took me aside to tell me she was going to HR about it and in essence betrayed me. I was placed on trial and she, her boss and HR became my judge, jury and executioner.
          #7. I was told they wanted me to stay on working there for them. (Yeah like I was going to stay on working there after being betrayed and treated like a 5yr. old and be expected to continue working with the person who betrayed me, and go about my business as though nothing had ever happened?)
          #8. And lest we forget I had to sign a piece of paper saying I would not go near M, his cubicle, nor anything near or around it. (What were they going to do, put up cameras around M's cubicle? Or just have spies lurking about making sure I didn't get near it and then tattle on me if I happened to walk by it too closely or something like that?) Or maybe if I looked too long in that direction as I was walking by (and I did have to walk by it, there was no escaping it.)
          #9. Why was this even an issue anymore being as almost 4 months had gone by since the last time I had put anything on M's desk?
          #10. None of this should have gone to HR. My boss should have taken me aside and talked to me personally (a reprimand) for throwing M's doll and I should have been told that I would be fired if I ever did anything like that again to M or anyone else. And that should have been the end of the story.
          #11. And here is where I come in really sounding like a spoiled sport. Everyone else has been able to carry on with their lives as though nothing has happened knowing full well this whole situation was handled very wrongly and badly and I have been left with nothing. I am not positive but I even think what happened to me is illegal.
          And if it sounds like the lamb is roaring right now its because she is. I am sorry but this still really burns my cookies sometimes. Also it just feels good to let it all out. Seeing it on proverbial paper makes me feel really good.
          I think a case like this would be thrown out of court because of there being circumstantial evidence only for a lot of this stuff. It is nothing but a he said, she said thing.
          And now on a sadder note, we went to Chuck's cousins, husbands funeral this afternoon. He was only 61. When I was little I thought that was so old, now I only have 8yrs. to go before I am there myself.
          I remember sitting in church one Sunday back in 1969 and looking through the hymnal while the sermon was going on. It gave what date Easter was going to be on through at least the year 2000. And I remember figuring out how old I would be if I reached that year, and I remember thinking "wow I will be so old on that Easter." It is now going to be 11 Easters since 2000 and I am thinking hey Im not that old. Im going to be 53 in a few short weeks but it is actually 53 going on 11. There is a little girl inside this 53 year old body and she will never completely grow up. Life is too much fun with her around and its too short to not have her around.