I got accepted as a friend by the Nova rehab place in Appleton so I went onto their page and started reading some of the stuff they put on it. It sounds like a variation of AA. Your higher power can be anything or anyone. A coke can if you think its going to help you stay sober. I find no stability in an idea like that what so ever. Yeah sometimes I do get tempted to take something. Like the other night I couldn't sleep and felt a little achy and kept telling myself to take an apap, but I know that an apap isn't the answer and will only give me temporary relief. The guy that lives upstairs from us likes to smoke in bed and we can smell it like he was smoking down here in our room. This carries over into my dreams and I am usually smoking or trying to bum a cigarette off of someone and I wake up craving a cigarette and I have the smokers cough and a raspy voice to boot which makes me feel like I was smoking. But its been 10 years since Ive actually had a cigarette and Ifeel good about that. The problem is I never stopped enjoying smoking so deciding not to have one is a little harder for me. As far as drinking goes that happened all at once. The last time I was in treatment I was still drinking afterward but as time wore on that year I started liking it less and less especially the hangovers. I also didn't like how I acted or what I said while drinking. I knew this was G-d working on me. Then one night in early August of 83 I got drunk and stayed up till 2 just watching the telly. My friend called at 8 in the morning and said a lady from a Teen Challenge was going to be speaking at an Aglow meeting and would I like to come with her to hear her speak. I said ok and threw a bandana on my hair and went. When we got up to sing songs I was so hung over and still drunk that I had to hold onto the chair a head of me to keep myself standing. I don't remember what that lady said but it impacted me and I went up to tell her this. She prayed over me and I went from drunk and hungover to being completely fine all in a few moments of time. I have never gotten drunk again since that day. I do have an occasional wine cooler or glass of wine or a beer a couple of times a year, but I have never gotten drunk again nor do I care to. I spent most of my youth hanging out with users and alkies and I know the lifestyle like the back of my hand. I have known hard core junkies and hard core alkies. I have known and seen marvelous deliverances and life changes. Midwest challenge and Teen challenge are full of them. Teen challenge has a 90 some percent cure rate. It is the highest in the country but you won't hear about that on the nightly news because they are Christ based/Bible based centers. I have worked for Teen challenge as well. People who have a wounded spirit from little on are the ones who are the most likely to go the way of drugs and alcohol. Low self esteem, lack of confidence, sexual abuse, emotional/verbal and physical abuse are all factors. The only one I never had of these is physical abuse. I have read that a child will start acting these behaviors out by the time they are 14 and in 8th grade. This is an average not a set thing. This was true in my case. The summer between 8th and 9th grade was my life changing summer and from then on it was all downhill. I grew up in a love is earned atmosphere. If you behave this way we love you, if you don't we don't.
Love should be unconditional. I felt as though I couldn't please my Dad no matter what I did, so I finally gave up and stopped trying. I realized this at a very young age. He was one of the most critical kill joys I have ever known. If girls don't receive the kind of love from their dads that they need, they will start searching for it elsewhere. Again that was the case for me.
Sorry to have to cut this short but I have a few things to do before I get ready to walk over and meet Chuck. Talk at you again later Di.