No name today

Well a lot of the depression I was feeling last week has lifted but I had to do something last night that was painful for me once again. I had to cut someone off from my life that had been important to me and whom I liked very much. I thought maybe I was going to be working with this person one day in New Mexico in a messianic ministry but I guess thats over with now unless it is truly the will of G-d and He miraculously brings it to pass.
I don't really know where I am at with much of anything in my life right now. I can't wait for spring to come again I think. My anxiety is feeling a little more wacked out then usual and I am sure it is because it is winter and its cold and snowy and the days are shorter. Wow what a complete 180 from the person who so loved winter and the shorter days just a few short years ago. I grow so weary of the everyday, mundane things in life. I am really struggling with getting out and exercising lately and am very concerned about gaining weight again. I don't want to go back to that overweight sickly person I used to be. I am so not there or her any longer.
I seem to jump from one emotionally painful experience to another. I remember once a few years back of just standing in the shower weeping because I was hurting so much emotionally, not for any particular reason just life in general. It was at that time that G-d was doing some plowing in my emotions department and teaching me the correct way to look at things instead of the mentally sick crippling way I had looked at them for most of my life. I had to finally let my family go because I was starting to come out of the dysfunctionalism that they were and they didn't like the new me that was emerging. I did not have a good relationship with my Dad which I have read is the most important relationship a girl will ever have in her life. I met someone 3 yrs. ago that I felt very drawn to and it was love/hate for me with this person because some of his mannerisms reminded me of my dad also his eyes. To feel such an emotional drawing to someone and care and yet revulsion at the same time is icky to say the least. And one of the worst things was that he had no clue and I couldn't tell him. Just another sad, sucky situation of many that I have had to go through.
When my Dad died 6 yrs. ago, my family thought I might not come to his funeral because I was so angry at him but Im not like that. So after all this time I still struggle with hurt and anger towards him. He had such sexual hangups and was a major control freak. There was a time I didn't want to be in the same room with him and would get up and leave if he came in.
At the place I worked at 2 yrs. ago (the best paying job I ever had by the way) my boss reminded me of my dad and I had a hard time with it at first. The L-rd was trying to work out some heavy duty things in my life between her and the guy that reminded me of my dad also. I wound up walking away from it because of alleged harrassment charges that were never filed by said guy, and a boss who betrayed me with some things I shared with her in confidence. My husband had a dream that she did this and he warned me she might and sure enough. I didn't want to believe it of her. Oh well.