#links

#links Soccer was a game I could actually play pretty well. I really sucked at sports for the most part though. I wonder why it is that singing groups these days steel old songs for their back round music. Inna gadda da vida anyone.

Box of feelings just for you: funny street performer

Box of feelings just for you: funny street performer
This is silly just like me. I can actually see myself doing something silly like this.

Box of feelings just for you: never back down soundtrack

Box of feelings just for you: never back down soundtrack
Is this how you are feeling mf (sorry Im not one much for swearing)? Sometimes I have gone for years being stuck on a person. Its like a log getting caught in an eddy while it was floating down the river. Most of my adult life seems to be in these kind of situations. Yes you can love someone and be with someone else and love them as well at the same time. I am living walking proof of this. My husband knows this as well about me. I think sometimes I care to much and it gets me into trouble. Even though I have never had children I seem to have a nurturing side to my personality. The anti depressants I take dull my emotions except for really heavy duty ones and they pop up only every now and then. I just started going through menopause and boy is that ever interesting emotionally speaking. And the hot flashes can stop any time now too. Well I'll let you go sorry for blathering.

Hi

Ok, so its been months since I have written anything in here. No one reads this so who cares anyway. I will do this for myself then.
I am starting to go through menopause and it is kind of taking its toll on me. All I want to do is sleep. I have to force myself to get up and I sure hope and pray that these hot flashes end quickly rather then being drawn out for years as I have read they can be.
I am not a winter person any longer. It used to be my favorite time of year for many years but no longer and especially when it gets really cold out so that I wouldn't even want to go out and walk. After 5 1/2 years of walking the halls, I am so bored with them I can hardly stand it anymore. I have been slacking and have to force myself to get out there. Its been pretty bad since Thanksgiving.
Anyway, the L-rd has been calling me to a deeper relationship with Him and it is just another thing I have been struggling with lately. I really don't want anything this world has to offer anymore. He has met all of my/our needs and I know He will continue to do so. All He wants is me and my time and its been like pulling teeth especially lately. When I sit down and clear all the junk from my head then I sense and feel my heart panting after Him. Truly He is all I want or need. I feel as though I have stepped off of a cliff and am falling in slow motion. Father please help me to keep on pushing through this and come out on the other side closer to you. Oh love that will not let me go.
The rubber is going to start meeting the road very shortly with everyones lives and when the hard times start happening and they will, it is not a question of if but when exactly, then where will we stand and what will we do, and who will we stand for. Everyone will be tried and tested. I pray that G-d will help me to stay strong and endure to the end.

Grieving

I know I haven't been in here in a while but then again I haven't had much to say lately. Anyway, today I want to talk about how long a person should grieve over something or someone for that matter.
I had a situation happen to me a little over a year ago that I have been grieving over off and on ever since. Today I felt the L-rd impress on my mind that I have been grieving long enough over this and it is time to move on, which knowing me I will not be able to accomplish without His help.
My question is what is the difference between genuinely still grieving something and having it just hang about your neck like an albatross after a time? Grieving and having self pity over something is a fine line drawn indeed.
Life deals some pretty heavy duty blows sometimes. Some things really suck and weren't asked for, others are of our own making. And why do we have the tendency to start picking scape goats to blame over something we are totally responsible for? In my opinion and it is only mine, "What a bunch of utter nonsense and foolishness."
I think that some people can get so caught up in their grieving that they lose touch over weather it is still actually grieving or self pity and we often include anger in the mix for good measure.
I am not saying it is wrong to grieve, far from it, what I am saying is when it becomes all consuming and you can't think of anything else and it dominates your whole life i.e. everything you think do and say with it always lurking about in the backround waiting for you to resume with it. I don't think this is healthy. We all have a measure of yucky stuff dumped on us, unfortunately it comes with being alive and living. No one person is better or worse then anyone else when it comes to grievous things happening.
I despise self pity and yet I fall into it sometimes. I like to shake my proverbial fist at G-d sometimes and say why. On the other hand I believe the Bible is the living word of G-d and in it in Romans chapter 8 verse 28 it says "And we know that all things work together for good to those that LOVE G-d, to those who are the called according to His purposes." This has got to play in there somewhere along the way.
If we truly are disciples of Yeshua then this verse applies to us and either it is truth or not and either we believe it or not. And not just some things, but ALL things. I know I know I have a hard time wrapping my mind around that as well especially if you have some phyisical malady that keeps you in constant pain (been there, done that.) Sometimes it is hard to see the forest for the trees. Just a little thought for food for another writing session.

Today I would like to talk a little about what Ive been going through lately. First of all I would like to say that I by no means have my act together and do not pretend to act like I do. I don't know everything there is to know about everything and would not assume to do so. That being said I have been learning a few things along the way in my short 52 years of life.
For the past year now I feel like I have been like a log stuck in an eddy just spinning round and round and really going nowhere at all. I went through some painful things last year about this time and have still not fully recovered from them. The pain has been running deep. Every so often in my life I seem to wind up in this eddy situation but have come to believe that it is the L-rd's way of taking me aside to teach me and show me new things spiritually, so this is bittersweet for me.
I read a devotional today about not complaining or murmuring and it really struck a nerve with me for I am guilty of doing both. I have been feeling like I have been left befind once again. However, every now and then the fog clears from my brain and I can see more clearly. I believe this is what has happened to me today. All this to say perhaps the L-rd has had my life on hold for the sake and benefit of others. Suddenly the proverbial light bulb went on above my head like you see in cartoons and I started thinking hmmm.
I heard a very good sermon once about how our lives may seem like not much or even nothing to us but that we may have been born or placed here all for the sake of someone else or someones else more for their benefit then ours as G-d fulfills His plans and purposes for each persons life. For example I am a foundation G-d has laid for the purpose of another person to come along and start building upon. They wind up being the beautiful building or home but you can't have that without the foundation being laid first.
I believe that everything that happens in our lives including the people that are placed across our paths good or bad, happens for a reason sometimes that only G-d knows. (We may never know). And that nothing is by chance or coincidence. I don't believe I will be stuck in this eddy forever. My whole life thus far has seemed to be a coming out for a time and then a withdrawing and it may be this way until the day I die. Sometimes its by choice, other times the circumstances seem to be forced upon me. I long to be like the apostle Paul who said in whatsoever circumstances I am in I have learned to be content and let me add to this at peace, completely trusting the L-rd with whatever is happening to me. I might add I have a ways to go on this one. This is a toughy for me and always has been, but I also believe that "He who has begun a good work in me (meaning G-d) will perform it until the day of Christ Jesus" and that "The L-rd will perfect that which concerns me."
Father please forgive me for being so duh and caught up in my own circumstances sometimes that I can't see the forest for the trees. Typical me I might add. Thats it for today.

Here I go again

It has been a few years since the last time I had a blog and I stumbled across this by accident. I figure it must be the L-rd that helped me discover this so here I go again.
Last time I was blogging my life was a mess. I was so depressed all I wanted to do was die. I was so homesick and didn't have any access to my antidepressants. Life was miserable.
That was about 4 years ago. Since then much has changed on the inside of me. All that has happened on the outside is that I am getting old.
My husband and I started to attend a messianc congregation 5 yrs. ago. One Saturday there was a lady from I think it was somewhere in Africa who was speaking. At the end of the service she said people could come up for prayer if they wanted to. I did. She came to me and sensed a spirit of death over me and told me to start shouting out "I don't want to die" She laid her hand on my forehead and I went down to the floor. It was after this that I stopped wanting to die. Then later that summer (2005) we went to a conference in southern Minnesota and a man who was speaking prayed over me and it felt like my heart was being covered with a healing balm. It was great. I started a diet and exercise and started to lose weight and eventually was able to get back on my anti depressants. (I seem to be one of the few people out there they actually help, ALOT.) I lost 130lbs. all together. It took me a year and a half. I used to be sick all the time but after I lost the weight all that went away.
I was aquaintance raped in 1985. It was why I allowed myself to gain so much weight. I didn't want to be attractive anymore after that combined with some real negative relationships. I lost several years of my life because of this incident but G-d started to gradually heal me. I like to say that I am a work in progress because He isn't finished with me yet. I have come a long way but still have a long way to go.
I actually accepted salvation April 29th, 1978. I was 20 at the time. Drugs and alcohol so badly crippled my life that at the time all I could handle was standing in a corner folding clothes at a Goodwill store. I was part of their rehab program and was living in a halfway house for mental basket cases. (Like I was) I would talk to no one. And then one day someone who worked in the store started to talk to me about G-d and it gave me hope and so I decided to ask G-d for His free gift of salvation through His Son Jesus and it started to change my life. However being the stubborn, bull headed person I can be I insisted many times doing things my way and back sliding and sowing the wind and reaping the wirlwind and it wasn't until the mid 1990's that I finally started to get serious about my life with G-d. (The slash where the o should be is a sign of respect unto Him for anyone who may wonder.)
I know how things are becoming these days and how people are becoming more and more hostile to Yeshua(Jesus) and Christianity because Jesus claimed and claims to be the only way to G-d, but after all these years I can honestly attest to this being the truth simply because of the things I have seen and been through in my own life. I am sure of Him whom I have believed in. I will get into reasons why as I write more entries. This is enough for today. I have much to say and I sense not much more time to say it in. May the L-rd grant me enough time to say everything I believe He wants me to say and get out for Him.
Until next time,
Shalom