I got accepted as a friend by the Nova rehab place in Appleton so I went onto their page and started reading some of the stuff they put on it. It sounds like a variation of AA. Your higher power can be anything or anyone. A coke can if you think its going to help you stay sober. I find no stability in an idea like that what so ever. Yeah sometimes I do get tempted to take something. Like the other night I couldn't sleep and felt a little achy and kept telling myself to take an apap, but I know that an apap isn't the answer and will only give me temporary relief. The guy that lives upstairs from us likes to smoke in bed and we can smell it like he was smoking down here in our room. This carries over into my dreams and I am usually smoking or trying to bum a cigarette off of someone and I wake up craving a cigarette and I have the smokers cough and a raspy voice to boot which makes me feel like I was smoking. But its been 10 years since Ive actually had a cigarette and Ifeel good about that. The problem is I never stopped enjoying smoking so deciding not to have one is a little harder for me. As far as drinking goes that happened all at once. The last time I was in treatment I was still drinking afterward but as time wore on that year I started liking it less and less especially the hangovers. I also didn't like how I acted or what I said while drinking. I knew this was G-d working on me. Then one night in early August of 83 I got drunk and stayed up till 2 just watching the telly. My friend called at 8 in the morning and said a lady from a Teen Challenge was going to be speaking at an Aglow meeting and would I like to come with her to hear her speak. I said ok and threw a bandana on my hair and went. When we got up to sing songs I was so hung over and still drunk that I had to hold onto the chair a head of me to keep myself standing. I don't remember what that lady said but it impacted me and I went up to tell her this. She prayed over me and I went from drunk and hungover to being completely fine all in a few moments of time. I have never gotten drunk again since that day. I do have an occasional wine cooler or glass of wine or a beer a couple of times a year, but I have never gotten drunk again nor do I care to. I spent most of my youth hanging out with users and alkies and I know the lifestyle like the back of my hand. I have known hard core junkies and hard core alkies. I have known and seen marvelous deliverances and life changes. Midwest challenge and Teen challenge are full of them. Teen challenge has a 90 some percent cure rate. It is the highest in the country but you won't hear about that on the nightly news because they are Christ based/Bible based centers. I have worked for Teen challenge as well. People who have a wounded spirit from little on are the ones who are the most likely to go the way of drugs and alcohol. Low self esteem, lack of confidence, sexual abuse, emotional/verbal and physical abuse are all factors. The only one I never had of these is physical abuse. I have read that a child will start acting these behaviors out by the time they are 14 and in 8th grade. This is an average not a set thing. This was true in my case. The summer between 8th and 9th grade was my life changing summer and from then on it was all downhill. I grew up in a love is earned atmosphere. If you behave this way we love you, if you don't we don't.
Love should be unconditional. I felt as though I couldn't please my Dad no matter what I did, so I finally gave up and stopped trying. I realized this at a very young age. He was one of the most critical kill joys I have ever known. If girls don't receive the kind of love from their dads that they need, they will start searching for it elsewhere. Again that was the case for me.
Sorry to have to cut this short but I have a few things to do before I get ready to walk over and meet Chuck. Talk at you again later Di.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
It is just after 4 in the morning. Its Saturday my stay up late night. Maverick keeps coming in and meowing. Let me translate this. "Will you guys please go to bed". I have been adding new friends to my facebook yesterday and today. I found out I am a great aunt for the 11th time. Most these kids I don't even know and will probably only meet once or twice if at all. My nephew Tony through my brothers marriage just had another son the other night. Mikhail Ethan I think his name is. And my nephew Steve and has wife had a little girl named Maggie who just turned a year old. My sister Mary Lou finally got on facebook and I told my niece Steph to tell her dad to get his butt on there as well so that we can be one big happy family. I wonder what my Mom and Dad would think of all this. They would probably be delighted. Mom would have been 93 this February 18th. I miss you Mom. Chuck lost his uncle 2 weeks ago and his cousins husband just got crushed to death on Friday. How sad. Death is not a respecter of persons. Just know where you are going when you die because you can die at the drop of any proverbial hat.
I asked the treatment program that Anna and Dilly went through if they want to be friends. They'll probably look at my invite and say who is Tammy Ashley? Or they might say oh someone who went through the program wants to be friends even though I never went through their program. I went through the teen challenge program here in Mpls. They refer to themselves as Minnesota Teen Challenge these days. The one I went through is called Midwest Challenge an off shoot of Teen Challenge.
Well I suppose I can get to bed any time now. Maybe I will right more tomorrow. I am still coming off of having diarea from last night. Not so much that anymore, just a lot of gas still. I ate oatmeal for dinner and enjoyed every moment of it, toast too. I had to wait all day to eat it and make it my only meal so that I wouldn't eat too many calories. I took a 2 week vacation from walking the halls. I rebeled and did no exercise whatsoever unless it was walking over to meet Chuck. I think Im ready to get back at it again. I sure hope so anyway. Good morning/night. Dear di here's pie in your silly old eye. Baaaaaa/Roarrrr
I asked the treatment program that Anna and Dilly went through if they want to be friends. They'll probably look at my invite and say who is Tammy Ashley? Or they might say oh someone who went through the program wants to be friends even though I never went through their program. I went through the teen challenge program here in Mpls. They refer to themselves as Minnesota Teen Challenge these days. The one I went through is called Midwest Challenge an off shoot of Teen Challenge.
Well I suppose I can get to bed any time now. Maybe I will right more tomorrow. I am still coming off of having diarea from last night. Not so much that anymore, just a lot of gas still. I ate oatmeal for dinner and enjoyed every moment of it, toast too. I had to wait all day to eat it and make it my only meal so that I wouldn't eat too many calories. I took a 2 week vacation from walking the halls. I rebeled and did no exercise whatsoever unless it was walking over to meet Chuck. I think Im ready to get back at it again. I sure hope so anyway. Good morning/night. Dear di here's pie in your silly old eye. Baaaaaa/Roarrrr
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
No name today
Well a lot of the depression I was feeling last week has lifted but I had to do something last night that was painful for me once again. I had to cut someone off from my life that had been important to me and whom I liked very much. I thought maybe I was going to be working with this person one day in New Mexico in a messianic ministry but I guess thats over with now unless it is truly the will of G-d and He miraculously brings it to pass.
I don't really know where I am at with much of anything in my life right now. I can't wait for spring to come again I think. My anxiety is feeling a little more wacked out then usual and I am sure it is because it is winter and its cold and snowy and the days are shorter. Wow what a complete 180 from the person who so loved winter and the shorter days just a few short years ago. I grow so weary of the everyday, mundane things in life. I am really struggling with getting out and exercising lately and am very concerned about gaining weight again. I don't want to go back to that overweight sickly person I used to be. I am so not there or her any longer.
I seem to jump from one emotionally painful experience to another. I remember once a few years back of just standing in the shower weeping because I was hurting so much emotionally, not for any particular reason just life in general. It was at that time that G-d was doing some plowing in my emotions department and teaching me the correct way to look at things instead of the mentally sick crippling way I had looked at them for most of my life. I had to finally let my family go because I was starting to come out of the dysfunctionalism that they were and they didn't like the new me that was emerging. I did not have a good relationship with my Dad which I have read is the most important relationship a girl will ever have in her life. I met someone 3 yrs. ago that I felt very drawn to and it was love/hate for me with this person because some of his mannerisms reminded me of my dad also his eyes. To feel such an emotional drawing to someone and care and yet revulsion at the same time is icky to say the least. And one of the worst things was that he had no clue and I couldn't tell him. Just another sad, sucky situation of many that I have had to go through.
When my Dad died 6 yrs. ago, my family thought I might not come to his funeral because I was so angry at him but Im not like that. So after all this time I still struggle with hurt and anger towards him. He had such sexual hangups and was a major control freak. There was a time I didn't want to be in the same room with him and would get up and leave if he came in.
At the place I worked at 2 yrs. ago (the best paying job I ever had by the way) my boss reminded me of my dad and I had a hard time with it at first. The L-rd was trying to work out some heavy duty things in my life between her and the guy that reminded me of my dad also. I wound up walking away from it because of alleged harrassment charges that were never filed by said guy, and a boss who betrayed me with some things I shared with her in confidence. My husband had a dream that she did this and he warned me she might and sure enough. I didn't want to believe it of her. Oh well.
I don't really know where I am at with much of anything in my life right now. I can't wait for spring to come again I think. My anxiety is feeling a little more wacked out then usual and I am sure it is because it is winter and its cold and snowy and the days are shorter. Wow what a complete 180 from the person who so loved winter and the shorter days just a few short years ago. I grow so weary of the everyday, mundane things in life. I am really struggling with getting out and exercising lately and am very concerned about gaining weight again. I don't want to go back to that overweight sickly person I used to be. I am so not there or her any longer.
I seem to jump from one emotionally painful experience to another. I remember once a few years back of just standing in the shower weeping because I was hurting so much emotionally, not for any particular reason just life in general. It was at that time that G-d was doing some plowing in my emotions department and teaching me the correct way to look at things instead of the mentally sick crippling way I had looked at them for most of my life. I had to finally let my family go because I was starting to come out of the dysfunctionalism that they were and they didn't like the new me that was emerging. I did not have a good relationship with my Dad which I have read is the most important relationship a girl will ever have in her life. I met someone 3 yrs. ago that I felt very drawn to and it was love/hate for me with this person because some of his mannerisms reminded me of my dad also his eyes. To feel such an emotional drawing to someone and care and yet revulsion at the same time is icky to say the least. And one of the worst things was that he had no clue and I couldn't tell him. Just another sad, sucky situation of many that I have had to go through.
When my Dad died 6 yrs. ago, my family thought I might not come to his funeral because I was so angry at him but Im not like that. So after all this time I still struggle with hurt and anger towards him. He had such sexual hangups and was a major control freak. There was a time I didn't want to be in the same room with him and would get up and leave if he came in.
At the place I worked at 2 yrs. ago (the best paying job I ever had by the way) my boss reminded me of my dad and I had a hard time with it at first. The L-rd was trying to work out some heavy duty things in my life between her and the guy that reminded me of my dad also. I wound up walking away from it because of alleged harrassment charges that were never filed by said guy, and a boss who betrayed me with some things I shared with her in confidence. My husband had a dream that she did this and he warned me she might and sure enough. I didn't want to believe it of her. Oh well.
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